building confidence and taking risks

If you follow me on Instagram, you know that I recently coordinated a book club for Moms with daughters in middle school and high school.  The goal was to bring a group of women together to read some books on raising tween/teen girls.  We could share our triumphs and our struggles and prepare ourselves for these years as they often come with unique challenges. This month we read The Confidence Code and our daughters read The Confidence Code for Girls.  I cannot recommend these books highly enough and honestly the information is relevant whether you are raising boys or girls. Today, I am going to share two main things I learned from the book that can help you build confidence in your children and yourself.

Having studied psychology, I thought I knew a lot about confidence but this book got me to think about it in a different way.  Confidence is a complex and muddy construct.  It is not the same as self esteem or self image, although they are related.  Confidence is part genetics, part nurturing and environment, part hormones (testosterone makes us take more risks) and part choice.  Yes, that is right, we can choose to become more confident.

The book is laden with interesting interviews, examples and research and I found all of it fascinating but two parts have stayed with me the most.  One is about risk taking and the second is about decision making.

The authors conclude that part of building confidence is the ability to take risks.  I think I am a rather confident person.  I make decisions easily and I don't question my decisions (another key component of confidence).  But I rarely take risks.  If there is a choice between safety and risk, I choose safety EVERY TIME.  If I find something I like at a restaurant, I order that same thing every time.  I don't push myself outside of my comfort zone at all. And I have kind of rationalized this as "I like what I like." But this book reminded me that I need to take more risks in my life.

"Nothing builds confidence like taking action, especially when the action involves risk and failure.  Risk keeps you on life's edge.  It keeps you growing, improving and gaining confidence.  By contrast, living in a zone where you're assured of the outcome can turn flat and dreary quickly.  Action separates the timid from the bold."  

From The Confidence Code by Katty Kay and Claire Shipman, pg 141

The authors found that by taking small repeated risks, we build up confidence.  And by offering our children "graduated exposure to risk"  we are giving them opportunities to succeed and to learn from  small failures.  They state, "Confidence, at least the part that is not in our genes requires hard work, substantial risk, determined persistence and sometimes bitter failure (Kay and Shipman, pg 123)."  I realized that I am not doing myself nor my kids any favors by living my life risk free.  I do an okay job of letting my kids take appropriate graduated risks but I will admit it is not my initial instinct.  My instinct is to protect them fiercely.  However, my end goal is to raise strong, independent confident people.  So, I have been able to push them to take risks and deal with my own anxiety about it. However, I am less likely to do the same for myself.

One of my children is a fabulous risk taker.  In fact, in 66 days, on his 18th birthday, he is going to jump out of a plane and skydive! While I am having heart palpitations simply writing that, I am SO PROUD of him.  He is looking fear in the face and doing something that scares him.  He forces himself to do scary things every day and he is inspiring me to face some of my own fears and take some risks too.  All of my kids are better risk takers than I am.   And I am proud of all of them. Kate is applying to be a student ambassador at her brand new school this week even though she doesn't know anyone else doing it.  Will is trying so many new things this year and looking for internships all over the country and traveling abroad this January. But I have not been a good role model for them as far as this goes.  I am a huge encourager but I would like to model bolder, more risk-taking behavior.  So, I am taking their lead and I am going to try to push myself to take graduated risks every week.  Honestly, making the video on IG when I have a cold and writing this post after a two year hiatus even felt risky for me.  But I am also making an appointment with yet another professional to help with my fear of flying.  I plan to ask my kids weekly what brave things they are doing and how they are pushing themselves.  And I plan to show them that Mom is taking risks too.

The second area that we can help our kids become more confident in is decision making.  The ability to make decisions and feel good about our decisions (even if they don't work out) is key to confidence. How does this translate into parenting? We need to empower our kids with more decision making opportunities.  I see so many parents making every single decision for their kids. I think they do it for ease and to save time but let me tell you that when they get to high school or college, there are huge decisions they need to make on their own.  We need to let them practice with small decisions while they are young.  We need to communicate and remind them when they have made good decisions.  And when they make a bad one (and we all do), we need to help them reframe it to see what that decision taught them for next time.

There are so many other fabulous nuggets of wisdom in this book but I wanted to share just a few today.  I encourage you to take more risks in your life and support your kids in doing so too. Let me know in the comments one risk that you'd like to take.


Note: The Confidence Code is for adults and The Confidence Code for Girls is best suited for middle school girls.



Disclosure:  Some of the links on my website are affiliate links. Many links on this blog are not.  I like to share with you where I get the things I love.  I have done this long before affiliate links existed. This means that if you purchase an item from an affiliate link here, I may receive a small commission.  I only link to products/companies that I like and use.  I have never been compensated for blog posts.

How to get your kids to stop fighting.

Last week I was giving  talk to a group of women at a church and afterwards a woman came up to me and asked me if my kids fight.  I stopped and really thought about it and said, "No, not really."

I'd like to clarify immediately that yes, once in a while they bicker and sometimes the boys put one another down.  However, for the most part, my kids do not fight.  And honestly they never really did fight much. Sibling fighting in our house has been the exception rather than the norm.

The woman then asked me why I thought they did not fight.  I really thought about it for a minute.  First, I considered the age difference but I quickly realized that I have clients and friends who have big age gaps and their kids fight a lot.

I really think the reason my kids don't fight very often is that most of the time their emotional buckets are full.  Siblings fight primarily out of jealousy, boredom and lack of attention.  I firmly believe that if you connect emotionally and meaningfully with each of your children every day, the fighting will be insignificant in your home.  That meaningful connection will fill their need for both attention and jealousy.  You might see small and occasional bickering but the constant battles will disappear.

What exactly does that daily connection look like? Well it is different for each child depending on both the child and the age.  For Kate, it might simply be sitting at the table while she does her homework and asking about her day.  It might be watching the last few minutes of her violin lesson and talking to her about the new song she is learning.  It might be sitting on the couch snuggling and reading a chapter of Little House on the Prairie with her.  I connect with her in a way that she feels my undivided attention and interest.

For Harry, it might be hanging out in his room and asking him about the music on his phone or going out in the garage and looking at the new fishing lures he has painted. When Harry was younger, we would go out in the driveway and throw the baseball back and forth.  I was terrible and we would laugh at how uncoordinated I am but it was a great bonding experience for us.  Another way to connect  with teenage boys is over food.  I am not usually a fan of the drive thru or fast food in general, but if I drive through whataburger for my boys, they talk and we connect.  It's a win-win. Plus my skinny boys can use the extra calories.

With Will, I simply go in his room and hang out on his window seat while he is doing homework.  Usually, he will chat with me about his day, friends and classes.  But when he was little I would ask about his lego scenes and build something with him.  We also connected a lot though reading and books.

By taking just a little bit of time every day to make each child feel special and valued, we reduce the bickering around here. It was not really my intention to connect with them for the purpose of reducing the bickering.  I simply want to connect with my children on a daily basis.  But I will guarantee for every one reading this…that if you connect with each of your children in a meaningful and consistent way, giving them 100% of your undivided attention, you will not have a lot of bickering and fighting in your home.

I notice that when the boys do criticize one another it is almost ALWAYS after Dave or I just praised one of them or gave one of them extra attention.  I can literally see the ugly green monster of jealousy come out in whoever did not get the praise or attention.

My children are not perfect and Dave and I make mistakes in our parenting. There is no such thing as perfect parenting or perfect children.  But this is one thing I have noticed…. when my kids needs for attention are being met, our house is a lot more peaceful.  I have parents in my office who tell me they don't have time to connect with all of their kids every day.  I hear where they are coming from and I can empathize with them.  Life is busy.  If you are working outside the home and your children are in school and activities, you might only see them a few hours each day.  You might not be able to connect with each one every day but try to do it most days.

Also, sometimes it is really hard to connect with a child who is in a difficult phase of life. It can be a vicious cycle because often the kid who needs our attention the most is the one it is toughest to spend time with.  So, we spend less time connecting with that child and they act out more.  But just a few minutes of your undivided attention is the best investment you can make in your relationship with your child.  And just think about the time it takes to discipline and intervene in sibling arguments and power struggles. By doing this, you will actually have more time with your children and the time will be positive.

One of the things I recommend to my clients is to keep a small notebook on your bedside table and keep track of how you connect with each child each day.  It helps to keep you accountable and it helps you to track the patterns that make a difference with your children. Are there days when I don't connect with all (or any) of my children?  Yes, I am human and very flawed. But if I keep track of it, I am more likely to do it.

People ask me all the time if this is true for kids with special needs like ADHD, autism, sensory issues and the like.  I think kids with impulsivity will often have more challenges controlling their behavior which can sometimes escalate sibling fighting.  But in general ALL kids need these connections daily and they will all benefit from it.

Tell me what you think in the comments:)

Our kids cannot be measured in numbers

As a Mom, I have a daily battle going on in my heart and in my head. It is certainly a battle symptomatic of a privileged life.  I can admit that.  It is not one of worrying how much my kids will eat today or if they are safe.  It is not the worry of Moms who live in war zones or extreme poverty.

But once in a while, I fight the battle of seeing my kids as whole beautiful human creations of God versus seeing them as accomplishments, numbers and achievements.  I think this is something very prevalent in today's society and most parents I see personally and professionally struggle with it as well. While I am extremely embarrassed to admit that I agonize with this, I am at least working really hard to overcome it.

I will never forget my parent's reaction to my report card in 1st grade.  I was only five years old and had no notion of grades and honor rolls but my Mom and Dad made a huge fuss about me getting straight A's.  I remember them taking me out to lunch that day and afterwards, they let me pick out a cute new sailor skort. A few days later, I recall going to McDonald's and the employee stamped an M on my report card and gave me a free kid meal. Most of all, I remember the immense positive feedback and I internalized it deeply.  In all honesty, I was not good at much else aside from school.  I was always the last skinny kid picked for sports teams.  I did not play an instrument and I was not very artistic.  The first time I ever remember getting positive feedback from others was for my grades. And on that day, I began to define myself a little bit by those numbers.

Now, as a parent, I have to really watch myself to not transfer that to my own kids. These days it can be a huge struggle for me.  Unfortunately, numbers are very present in our lives right now.  Our oldest son, Will is looking at colleges.  In fact, just last week he and Dave went to visit UVA and William and Mary. He is preparing for and taking the ACT this fall.  His GPA is a constant topic of discussion as we look at schools that are a good match for him.  Harry, our middle son, is applying to private high schools this fall and is preparing for the HSPT (high school placement test).  Therefore, we are also paying a lot of attention to his GPA and first term grades as those are what the high schools will evaluate in addition to standardized test scores.

Kate is in her competition season for gymnastics.  She works really hard and has such passion for gymnastics. Every weekend, she earns scores on bars, floor, vault and beam. Those numbers are a snapshot of one moment in the meet and not representative of how hard she works all year or how well she does in the gym week after week. They also do not reflect how she cheers on her teammates and delights in their successes as much as her own. Yet the numbers are how she advances.  Sometimes her numbers are great and other times, they are not.

I constantly remind myself to see beyond all of these numbers and just focus on the whole person underneath all of the external measures of success.  But it is hard when the world looks so closely at the numbers.  I tell myself the boys will get into the schools that are a right fit for them.  I remind myself that Kate is only 8 years old and the gymnastics is just an extracurricular activity.  I convince myself that in the big picture of life these things are not that important.  They are happy, healthy, well-rounded kids and that is what matters. But the truth is GPA's and class ranks and test numbers will determine which schools my boys get into.  Numbers will determine if Kate gets to go to the regional or state meet that she desperately hopes to qualify for.  The outside world often looks more at the numbers and I understand the purpose they serve.  But as a parent, I have to make sure that the numbers don't define how I see my children or how I love them.

My kids are thoughtful, giving, God-loving, funny, creative, responsible, entrepreneurial, go getters.  They work hard and they are kind. They are certainly not perfect but they are exactly who I want my children to be.  They invite new kids to sit with them at lunch or play at recess.  They share a snack with someone who forgot to bring one.  They stick up for the kid who is being bullied and open the door for people everyday.  They say please and thank you. They treat others with respect.

This week Kate ran for class president.  She wrote a speech and got up and delivered it to her class.  She did not win but she wasn't even remotely sad about it.  She said, "Mama, I even voted for Dylan.  He really was the best person for the job."  My daughter did not vote for herself.  What 8 year old is that wise and selfless?  I was so proud of her maturity. That cannot be measured in numbers.  Colleges and high schools aren't going to see that stuff in my kids.  Kate's humble heart will not earn her a place at the regional meet or in college.

And that is what I keep reminding myself.  These numbers, these external accomplishments like honor roll or 1st place do not define our kids.  It is the journey.  It is the hard work, the determination, the effort and the heart that will make them good citizens of the world. A child who is reading 3 years above grade level will not necessarily become a fabulous and caring adult. Our kids are not the number on the scoreboard, the report card or a college entrance exam.  And we need to stop treating them as though they are.  We need to spend as much time congratulating our kids and talking to them about good choices, values and character qualities as we do about their accomplishments and successes.  Their character is what will get them through life not the trophies they get for just for showing up.

Yesterday, Kate had an amazing floor routine at the meet and she got her highest score ever.  I was really proud of her and guilty of sharing it on Facebook.  But what I should have shared and what I was most proud of was how when her teammate was called up to the podium, Kate hugged her and tried to hold her hand.  In the car, I told her how proud I was of that.  And she said, "Oh Mama there is nothing better than being up there with your teammate right next to you. That's the best!"

In this age of social media, we blast our children's accomplishments all over our facebook pages, blogs, instagram and twitter accounts.  I am guilty of it too.  The irony of my last post is not lost on me.  But why do we do it?  Just because our child scored the most goals does not mean that we are a good parent.  Are we measuring our parenting by the ruler of our children's accomplishments?  A friend recently confessed that she felt like a failure as a parent because her children did not excel in anything.  That really struck me.  One has nothing to do with the other.  Sure, I think we need to expose our children to various activities and we need to support and encourage them if they love something.  But their accomplishments are not a reflection of our success at parenting.

In my opinion, parents have one real job and that is to love our children unconditionally.  That means we love them when they win first place and when they come in last.  We love them when they are behaving the way we want them to and when they are not.  We love them when they are excelling in school and when they are struggling.  We love them whether they succeed or fail.  In fact, true unconditional love is deciding to love our children when it is especially hard to love them.

As parents we need to make sure our kids know that we are proud of who they are not what they accomplish.  We need to focus on what really matters instead of what the world or the media tell us matters. And I am working really hard to try to do that everyday.



I know it is not a good photo (I was far away) but I managed to capture part of when Kate put her arm around her teammate yesterday. You can see how happy she is for her friend and teammate. That was a winning moment.

where have all the manners gone?

Ok. I am really fed up.  I think those of you who know me in life or have been reading for the 6 and 1/2 years that I have been writing know that I really try to look for the best in everyone.  I do.  I know that no one is perfect. We all have bad days.  But lately, I just cannot get over how rude and mean little girls have become.

When did we stop teaching our daughters manners people?  (and yes, I know boys can be rude too but I honestly do not see this as much with boys as I do with girls right now...probably because I am  around more little girls).

It starts with please and thank you.  I drive a lot of carpools (for camps, dance, art, sports, gymnastics, school).  Parents, please teach your children to say "Thank you for the ride, Mrs. Peanut." Is that too hard?  I know my daughter forgets sometimes but she remembers a lot of times too. And my boys never forget. I have drilled it into them. There are kids I drive day after day, year after year, that have never said thank you.  It is rude.

Once, I was picking up some children from somewhere because their Mom had an emergency. I don't mind doing this at all.  We all need to help each other out, right?  I brought all the kids snacks too.  The first thing one child did was complain.  She expressed anger that I was picking her up rather than her Mom.  Another stranger Mom overheard and said, "you should be grateful this woman is doing your Mom a favor."  Amen sister!

Next, I handed them all a snack.  The same little girl turned up her nose and said, "I don't like this. What else do you have?" Seriously?!  How about..."thank you for the snack, Mrs. Peanut." It seems every time I have friends over for Kate, some of the girls don't like the snacks we offer (apples, cheese sticks, pretzels, popcorn, blueberries, chips and salsa) and they go right in my pantry looking for something better (we don't have oreos or goldfish).  My kids would not do that.  I have taught them better.  I have taught them to say  "no, thank you" if they don't want something. We have role played what to do if they go to someone's house for lunch or dinner and they don't like what is being served.  I have taught them that you don't complain and you NEVER go in someone's refrigerator or pantry looking for something better.  You take a few polite bites and then eat more when you get home.  And you always say "thank you for the delicious dinner." Since my kids could utter the word "mama,"  I taught them the words,"thank you for the delicious dinner."  In fact, at the Peanut dinner table, that is all you are allowed to say about the meal.  You are not allowed to say you don't like something.  You are not allowed to say, "yuck."  Someone worked hard to buy the ingredients and prepare a meal.  You do not get to complain.

If I make something my kids don't really like, they have strategically figured out a polite way to express it.   Will is the best at this.  He will say, "Thank you for the delicious dinner Mom but I am not sure we should add this to our regular rotation."  That way he does not insult the food I have lovingly prepared but he lets me know he doesn't like it as much as our regular dinners.   And the ultimate compliment is "We should add this to our regular rotation, Mom!" The other peanuts have learned from his example.  Although Kate is still a work in progress with her table manners sometimes.  But we work on them daily.

I think people have gotten so busy trying to teach their kids to be stellar select team athletes and top of the class GT students and little fashionsitas that they have overlooked some of the simple but most important things...grace and courtesy.  

A little girl on Kate's gymnastics team is being really mean to her.  She questions Kate's heritage commanding Kate to "prove" she was born in China.  When Kate shared her Chinese name with said girl, the girl started teasing her that Dan Ru was her "boyfriend" not her Chinese name.  She tells Kate she does not like her and tries to get the other girls to say it to Kate too.  She pushes Kate out of line and cuts in front of her.  Kate tells me all the "sassy" things this girl says day after day. And I think to myself, where does this come from?  In fact, I woke up at 3 am this morning wondering why this girl is being so darned mean to Kate (who would not hurt a fly).

It comes from two places.  First, children who misbehave are almost always feeling bad in some aspect of their lives.  Secondly, they have not learned a better way to behave.  Either their parents have not taught them grace and courtesy or they have not modeled it or BOTH.

Let me share another example of how we teach it.....

One day Kate and I were walking home from school and a little girl stopped us and asked "Whose tummy did Kate grow in?"  Oh my.  My heart stopped with that question.  Kate was standing right there.  I took a deep breath and said, "We don't know honey."  She continued..."How could you not know? Why didn't her Mommy want her?"  I was STUNNED!  She kept going and going with rude and insensitive questions. "Why did her Mommy give her away?" Okay, she was a kindergartener so maybe she did not know better.  BUT her 40-something year old Mom was standing right there and never jumped in.  She never said, "Sweetie, that is not our business."  or "All that matters is Kate has a loving family."  I was livid.  I politely shut her questions down once I saw her Mom was not going to do so. She never even looked embarrassed that her daughter was asking rude, personal and insensitive questions.  This is my point.  We have opportunities every single day to teach our kids boundaries and kindness and empathy and manners.  But so many parents today fail to do so.

I am not perfect and my kids are not perfect.  We all have off days. Once I yelled at a sales clerk at the AT&T store in front of Will.  I was having a very bad day.  I ran out of patience. Afterwards, I apologized and told Will how wrong it was and I have never done it again. More importantly,  I have worked diligently and consistently for 16 years to teach my kids graciousness.  And you know what?  They are polite, sweet, compassionate kids. ANYONE who has ever met them would tell you that.  It is an investment in a person's soul to teach them kindness.  It is more important than teaching them to read before kindergarten y'all!

This makes it really hard to find good friends for my daughter.  Again, Kate is not perfect.  But she is inclusive and loving and sweet.  She would not say mean things to someone because she knows it is wrong. And she knows that because we have taught her that!  I want her to be surrounded by loving friends with compassionate and understanding hearts.  Friends who don't mind that sometimes it takes her a long time to get her sentences out and will not tell her to "hurry up" or "spit it out."  I want her to have friends who don't question how she came to our family but are just glad she is here.  I want her to have friends who lift her up not tear her down.  And let me tell you, it is hard to find friends like that these days.


Please see the post below for a special auction I am hosting for a family adopting.

Will at 16 and a stroll down memory lane...

I know I write the least about Will on my blog.  There are a few reasons for that. One is that Will is the most private of my kids. He also looks at my blog from time to time and he gets a little mad at me if I write too much about him. He is a teen and I respect that.  But this is my journal as his Mom.  It is something I want to leave as a legacy to my kids. So sometimes, I just have to write about him and hope for the best.



Will is a great kid. He really is.  I am so happy with the young man he is becoming. He works hard and is really the type of teenager every Mom would hope for.  He has made some mistakes for sure.  We had a minor rough patch this first year of high school with planning, studying and organization and some important life lessons were learned (I hope!). I think as hard as things were for a few months, it actually made us closer. It really is the tough times in life when we grow the most.  The thing I appreciate most is that when Will makes some typical minor teenage mistakes, we talk through them and discuss the life lessons that go hand in hand with the mistakes. He talks to us and listens to our perspectives. A lot of teens don't. When it comes to all the important things, he is really getting it.

He worked so hard during the school year that I was hoping he would have a fun and relaxing summer.  But it is not turning out that way so far.  Will has water polo practice most mornings for 2-3 hours.  That is very strenuous. Then he comes home (exhausted), eats lunch and goes to work.  He works most days from 3-9 or 10 p.m. lifeguarding at the pool. Add in a bit if a social life and he is going all of the time. I truly treasure the little bits and pieces of time I get with him.

Next week, he will take his driver's license test (fingers crossed).  And I know once he is driving, we will see even less of him.  And in just a few short years, he will be off to college (sniff, sniff).  I truly cannot believe that. It seems like just yesterday we were bringing him home from the hospital.

In fact, last week I had a doctor appointment in the hospital where Will was born.  I rode the elevator with a young couple and their brand new baby boy. The newborn baby was darling.  The parents were young and adorable.  I wanted to stop them and tell them to savor every single moment.   I wanted to tell them that the exhaustion and the colic will pass quickly even though it feels like forever.  {Will had the worst colic and I wanted to shoot myself!}  I wanted to tell them that the first smiles and laughs and steps are so special. I wanted to tell them that it felt like just yesterday we were coming home from the hospital with our son and now he is taking ACT tests and driving and dating.  I wanted to tell them that it really does go by in the blink of an eye.  And that while the days seem long (and they did), the years are short, very short.

I did not tell them any of that and they probably would have thought I was crazy if I did.  But it is so true. I was laying in bed this morning thinking about Kate when she will be my age.  I wondered if I would still be here in 38 or 40 years.  I got so sad that I might not be alive when Kate is in her 40's to share things with her.  But it made me grateful too.  The dog days of summer with all the kids home sometimes wear on me.  But thinking that my time with my children is not infinite here on earth made me resolve to really soak it all in.  They are such a gift from God and I feel so very blessed with all 3 of my children.

When Will was a baby, I did not blog so although I have lots of photo albums and a few scrapbooks I don't have a lot about his childhood here on 3 peanuts. Will was the coolest little kid. Like most boys, he loved trains and construction vehicles.  But he also had a crazy genius level of knowledge about certain things that we had never taught him. I am not even kidding.  He knew about pre-historic mammals like the indricotherium and the ambulocetus.  He just knew this stuff even though we had never exposed it to him as a toddler.  He also knew all the geologic time periods (Cambrian, Devonian, Permian, etc) and Eras (Mesozoic, Cenozoic).  And yes, Dave is a geologist but I swear he never taught this stuff to Will. He just started spouting it out at about 2 or 3 years old.  People were always amazed at his encyclopedic knowledge of certain topics. He was a sponge.

Will LOVED museums and the zoo so we had memberships and spent a lot of time there.  And as you can imagine his knowledge of science just grew and grew.

Will was also very social and he was a GREAT napper.  I had that boy on a very precise schedule and he slept the best out of all my kids.  He napped every day from 1-4 or 5 p.m. in the afternoon and he slept from 8 pm to about 7 am at night during the toddler years. Every afternoon when Will woke up, he wanted to go outside.  We would walk up and down the street and Will would want to visit all of our neighbors.  He loved collecting "junk" or as he pronounced it "zshjunk."  His collections included rocks, "yucky money" (green aged pennies--he loved those!), broken bike reflectors (we found outside of a bike shop).  I never knew what I would find in his pockets.

We also spent tons of time at the park.  With Will being my oldest and an only child for 3 and 1/2 years, he got the most time doing parks and museums and story time and such.  It was so easy with just one.  They were very special times.  Yesterday, I spent some time looking at old scrapbooks and photo albums remembering those special times when I just had Will.  I took pictures of some of the old photos {I was too lazy to scan them}.  These are not necessarily "good photos" of either of us but they remind me of that special time in my life with Will.

{At one of our favorite parks in West U.  We spent tons of time there/ Will's first swim lesson.  He was exactly 1.  This is the pool he currently works at as a lifeguard:)/ Will and I in the front yard.  He was always on the go.  You can see he is trying to get away here}

{He used to climb into his toy cabinet and play in there/ One of our afternoon strolls.  He had an "imaginary baby" in that stroller./ At a b-day party.}

{Will and me in our house.  His nose was orange from eating carrots:)/ We used to got to this park all the time.  I always had to hold onto Will or he would race off.  He was so "busy."/ On our front porch one afternoon...see he is trying to move away here too.}

Excuse my hair and fashion...this was 13-15 years ago y'all.

Will was SO cute as a toddler.  This is one of my favorite photos of him back then...

And I took all these other photos of him last week when he was turning 16...

He is such a smart kid with strong values and morals.  And he is a good brother too.







Harry was not around for this photo shoot.
I was photographing Kate and Will since they both have June birthdays.  Kate was so sweaty in the last one and she had just been doing a bunch of gymnastics in the park (those photos coming soon).

I love you Will!!!

leap

I cannot believe that it is January 17th  and I still never posted Harry's birthday (December 8th!)  And I have not posted anything about Christmas Day or the New Year.

Thank you for the kind words of encouragement regarding my new office space.  I cannot tell you how much that means to me.  I have had my Ph.D for 20 years now!!!!  Yes, I did get it at a ridiculously young age (not kidding--I went straight through from BA to MA to PhD-- even summers).  I have been a college professor and a speaker and a counselor/marriage and parenting coach for a long time. However, I never had the guts to rent my own space. I intentionally chose to really be there raising my kids at home and do other things and the timing never felt right.  The one time I almost signed a lease (about 9 years ago) we  decided to move to Virginia.  So, off and on over the years, I saw clients in a home office or I sublet from someone part time.

I have always wanted to do this.  Always.  But I have always been afraid.  What if I don't have enough clients to pay the rent?  What if I fail?  What if I cannot manage being a good Mom with being a good business woman?  Being a good and present Mom always came first for me (and it still does). It was easy to work from home and do my public speaking when invited.  There wasn't a whole lot of risk involved.  I could always say no  to a new client or a speaking engagement if I felt overwhelmed.

 I know I am good at what I do. I know these are the gifts God has given me to share with others.  I know that deep inside. Other people give me that feedback constantly as well.  People refer clients to  me by word of mouth all the time.  But I don't market myself or advertise and sometimes business is slow.  I was okay with that as I have always had lots of other things to do.

There is a really cool small office building on my street about 3 blocks away. The location is ideal as I can be there in mere moments.  Lots of small business owners in our neighborhood office there.  It has stained concrete halls and seagrass carpet.  It has exposed brick.  It is exactly where I would want to office.  I have even sublet there before.  But all the offices were occupied and there has been a waiting list for years.  Plus, I was not sure my current client load could pay the rent.  I put my name on the list a few years ago just in case something opened up.  And it did in November.  They called me and I hesitated a little bit and lost the office.  I expressed my regret about taking a day to think about it to the leasing woman and I think she really felt for me.  Days later she called to tell me she thought someone else might be leaving in January.  This time, I did not hesitate.  I just leapt at the opportunity.

And you know what?  Since I took the leap, I have not had one bit of worry or doubt.  Over the Christmas break, I spent a lot of time trying to pull together furniture and art for the office.  It was so much fun.  We had these old tables in our attic and I decided to paint them with Annie Sloan chalk Paint (another post coming on that).  We had a lot of old artwork crated up in the garage that we hung.

At one point Dave teased me asking if I was starting a furniture refinishing business or getting an office set up!

After a few weeks of work, I saw my first clients in the new office last week.  Then, the night before last, a few of my very close friends came to my office on our way out to dinner to have a champagne toast and see the new space.  It was so fun.  Our plan was to have a glass of champagne, some cheese and crackers, say a prayer and move onto dinner to celebrate a friend's birthday.  But honestly we talked and laughed for almost 2 hours there. In fact, my girlfriends want to have a weekly happy hour or Bible study there! My sweet friend, Bagel sent flowers which was SO sweet and thoughtful!  It was a very special night for me.  And as promised here is a look at my small, new office space...






On my first day seeing clients, my sweet hubby sent me these gorgeous flowers.

{instagram}

I bought the desk at a local charity guild resale shop.  It was in AWFUL shape but I painted it.

I REALLY need a good desk chair.  This one is temporary.  I am thinking about this one from Overstock but am open to suggestions.  I want it to be chic and comfortable as I plan to do some writing there with my laptop.  Anyone have one like this that they like?

I painted this old table and LOVE how it turned out (I will post before and afters this week)





I painted this one too.  Like my gold peanut?

And here are some phone shots of my friends stopping by...

I am so blessed.  My friends have been so supportive and encouraging.  We gathered in a circle and prayed that God would bless this space and use me and it for His good.

When hands reach out in friendship, hearts are touched by joy.


My heart was so touched by joy!

Please e-mail me if you would like to schedule a session or know of anyone needing my services.
 I see clients by phone or skype too.

I will post details about the furniture that I painted etc. in the next post.

Humble Parenting Lesson {one of many}

Life is so humbling sometimes. And such a good teacher too. As many of you know, Kate is getting an encore presentation of kindergarten this year.  As such, she is doing all the same projects she did in kindergarten last year.  At the beginning of the year, last year Kate had to make a "me" doll and an "all about me" poster.  Her teacher strongly encouraged these to be family projects with lots of help from Mom and Dad.  I took that as a sign to get involved.  Usually, I do not get involved at all with the boys' school work. I am big believer in letting them do it themselves.

Anyway, I probably did WAY too much of Kate's beginning of the year projects last year.  You can look at them here  (and you can tell I did a lot of the work). Sure, she did some cutting and painting but I assembled them to make sure they looked pretty.  BIG MISTAKE!

This weekend Kate was supposed to make her "me" doll for this year's classroom.  She started drawing on it the other day when I was cooking dinner and I told her to wait until I could help her.  She looked at me with complete innocence and said, "Mama, this year can I make my me doll?" GULP. Shame. Guilt. Embarrassment. Lesson learned.

I am constantly advising my clients and friends to let their kids make their own mistakes.  I am constantly coaching my clients to do less and less for their kids so their kids are more self reliant.  I am appalled when I read articles stating that over 43% of parents admit to having done their kids homework.  I have always excluded myself from that statistic as I never have done the boys' homework.  Yet, I did it too.  I sold my child short.

When we do these things for our kids we are sending them a very strong message that we don't think they are capable.  We don't think they can do the work themselves.  We are also telling them they are not good enough.  These are all very damaging messages to send to our kids.

Parents think they are helping but really they are hurting their kids by doing so much for them.

Truth is...last year I probably did not have the confidence that Kate would finish these projects. She was exhausted from all day kindergarten.  She struggles with multi-step projects. But I should have at least let her try. I should have given her the benefit of the doubt. I should have shown her that I believed in her.  I am not saying that I did any long term --gonna be telling a therapist some day that I did her "me" doll--kinda damage.

Anyway, Kate did her me doll 99% by herself this year.  I had to hot glue the hair because my gun is old and gets super hot (and I burned myself).  She was so creative though.  She made a bow out of a tissue. Apparently, she saw Minnie Mouse do this on TV and gave it a try.  She made a necklace with paper beads.  I have no clue how she did it but Harry taught her a while ago. She even wanted to put her monogram on the dress. That had been my idea last year but this year it was hers:)

It was so wonderful to see Kate proudly hand the "me" doll that she did on her own to her teacher this morning.  We both learned a lot from this assignment.  Maybe I needed the encore presentation of kindergarten just as much as she did.  

P.S.  Kate lost her second tooth last night (you can see in the photo above) and that darned tooth fairy forgot to show up last night.  Anyone else ever have that happen?  Sure hope she remembers tonight.

And another P.S.  If you missed the blog radio show last night you can listen to the archive here.  We talked about this very issue last night:

Listen to internet radio with The Pearl on Blog Talk Radio

A dream come true

{the photo has nothing to do with the post but I took it last night and wanted to post it }

I am so excited that I am almost at a loss for words y'all. Don't worry.  I'll find some. I always do.

Some of you probably have no idea that I have a professional life too because I rarely talk about it (on the blog or in person).  But I have had my Ph.D. for almost 20 years now. I earned my degrees (and yes, if you're doing the math I was 12 ha!) in Marriage and Family Communication and then did a ton of post doc work in counseling.  I was a professor and researcher for many years.  I have published journal articles and a book chapter and I have even won awards for my research on gender differences. And on and off for all these 20 years, I have given workshops, talks and seminars on marriage, family and parenting.  I am also a marriage, parenting and life coach.  There have been some years that I have not worked a lot as I focused on the kids but I have always done some work in this field.

 For as long as I can remember, the one thing I have always wanted to do was be on a radio show where I would help people with marriage and parenting issues. I envisioned a Dr. Laura type show (but I would be warm, attentive and compassionate).  I have always envisioned helping people with problems that troubled them but might not warrant therapy sessions. It has truly been THE thing I have wanted to do my whole life. I even posted about it here 4 and 1/2 years ago.

Well my sweet, wise and encouraging friend Sibi of Pearls and Grace hosts a Christian show on BlogTalkRadio each Monday night. She is incredible!! Sibi is a loving wife and a Mom to six beautiful children.  She is a gifted writer and spiritual speaker.  She has helped many women through her blog and the Pearl Events that she hosts.  Sibi has graciously invited me to be her guest for 2 weeks. Tonight (Monday 9/10) we will talk about marriage.  We know so many people who are really struggling with their marriages.  Our topic is taking your marriage from auto-pilot to intentional.  So, if you think you could use some inspiration for making your marriage stronger, happier and more intentional, please tune in.  Next Monday night, we will be tackling motherhood and parenting issues.  I am just so excited.

So, please tune in TONIGHT (9/10) at  9 p.m. {central time} on the link below.

Marriage ~ Moving From Autopilot To Intentional 09/10 by The Pearl | Blog Talk Radio

You click on the link and listen on your computer.

You can even call in with questions or ask questions after the show on Facebook or Twitter.  I really hope you'll tune in. Sibi is so wise and I really hope we can help some people out there.

Saturday Inspirations

The boys come home from camp tonight and I am getting excited to see them.  It was a really, really peaceful and quiet week without them though. I felt like I had so much found time. No one bickered.  No teenagers talked back to me.  My kids are extremely well behaved on the spectrum of kids' behavior but summer can still be a challenge sometimes as none of us are perfect here.

I found this on line today and it really spoke to me.  I know that I can put it into practice (I often say things that I should not say) and I know the boys could too.  I am leaving Kate out here because honestly...she pretty much only says sweet things (as of now).

source

I also came across this fabulous parenting article. I am not a perfect parent by any means but this article does sum up how Dave and I try to parent.  As a marriage and parenting coach, I firmly believe one of the biggest mistakes American (middle and upper class) parents are making is doing too much for their kids and giving them too much.  I could go on and on about this but we make our kids work.  Harry has a car washing and detailing business right now.  Will volunteered ALL summer and will be working very soon.  All my kids fold and put away their own laundry.  As a rule, we do not give/buy them things unless it is their birthday or Christmas.

Also, we try to let them make their own mistakes.  We all learn by FAILURE.  When I think back over my own life, it was the mistakes I made that have taught me the most.  Why are we so afraid to let our kids make mistakes?  It builds resiliency and character.  It makes them GROW!   When we let our kids take risks, it shows them we have confidence in them. Luckily, I am still making mistakes everyday and I try to look at them as opportunities to learn and do better next time. I must have a lot of growing to do.

This is one of the reasons I love letting my kids go to sleep away camp.  They are in a safe environment where they can take risks (trying new things) and make choices (what to use their store allowance on--junk food vs a t-shirt).  If they want a schedule change, they have to wait in line to make it.  Sure these are small things but they pave the way for bigger decisions on spending money and taking risks.  And no parent is there to bail them out or make the decision for them.

This picture of the peanuts kind of represents how our life is....messy and imperfect (the seaweed) and the waters are a bit choppy but there is also a lot of beauty and a lot of love.

Our happy places....

I cannot believe it has been a week since I posted.  I don't usually go that long between posts. I have stuff to post but I have not had a lot of time. It was a busy (but happy) week.  Will volunteered at the Zoo as a camp counselor for the 4 and 5 year olds.  He LOVES that and it makes him gain perspective a bit too.  After being with camp kids all day, his little sister is not nearly as annoying! Then he worked each night as a junior lifeguard.  Harry did LaCrosse camp outside all day this week in sweltering heat (104).  But he loved it too.  Kate did an amazing art camp. I cannot wait to take photos of some of her creations.  They are really cool!  All of these fun activities were in completely opposite parts of town (and they all started and ended about the same times!) so I did a lot of driving.  I also did a lot of exercising.  I did a step class and two weight lifting classes at the gym and I am still doing my step routines almost everyday at home.  I am very sore from the weight lifting classes but I am noticing great changes in my body.  Luckily, I see results very quickly (maybe it is my imagination?).  And I have a confession to make....I enjoy exercising now!  Can you believe it?  Who would have thought?!  In fact, I get a bit antsy if I cannot exercise one day.  I even want to bring my step to Seaside with us.  Crazy, right?

The other night we were having dinner and talking about our upcoming beach trip and I said, "The beach is my happy place."  Will and Harry both said that their sleep-away camp (I call it Camp Utopia here on the blog) is their happy place.  They said they feel so at peace and free to be themselves there. (who could ask for more?)  Kate immediately piped up and exclaimed, "Home is my happy place!"  How cute is that?

{the boys and Kate agreed that Seaside is their next happy place and then home too}

The next few weeks are lazy summer days of no camps and sleeping in.  We are all looking forward to it a bit. And I should have more time to both post AND read blogs.  I apologize for being a lame reader and commenter too.   I have had no time to really be on the computer.  I think exercise has replaced my computer time:)

All Moms need to read this

Please click over to read this article!  As a marriage and parenting coach, I observe/hear what she is writing about a lot and I think it is very true for many women.   Women are comparing themselves to an impossible and false image. I try really hard to balance this blog with our real life (which is not always neat and pretty--like the garage and my bedside table and illnesses and stressful photo shoots and my struggles with the kids and the day I lost them in the park) and the pretty and fun moments (birthday parties, Christmas, Disney World and beach vacations).  No family is perfect.  I sincerely hope that I  don't give the impression that we are doing it all right here in the peanut house.  Because most days our house is messy, a kid is talking back to me and I am scrambling to figure out something for dinner.  I try really hard but I fail EVERY SINGLE DAY in some way.  Remember, love is messy. We are all just trying to do the best we can.

I know I said I'd be back with more Easter photos and more Spring things I love but Dave has been out of town (comes home today!) and I ran into some rocks/landscaping on a median scraping up my car and slashing my tire.  And really, I have been hanging with my kids.  The weather is gorgeous and we have been outside riding bikes, walking the dog, rip sticking (Harry fell and hurt his head) and drawing with sidewalk chalk!

P.S.  Thank you to my friend Shana for sending me the link to that article!

Another P.S.  Thank you SO much for all your sweet words on that Easter photo. Y'all made me blush. I have something to share about it in my next post.

Lent and work

A few people asked me to update about my Lenten stuff which surprised me cause I thought this was kind of boring....

As I was reading a few blogs about Lent, I got concerned that people are under the assumption that we give things up or do things to "get into heaven."  That is not really true.  Rather we are trying to appreciate how Jesus fasted and prayed in the desert for 40 days and how he suffered on the cross for us to be saved.  It really is about understanding Jesus more and drawing closer to Him.  So, doing things that make us lean on Christ or bring us closer to Him are all appropriate.  And giving something up is not a requirement to get into heaven.

So, back to my 40 bags in 40 days.  You might wonder how this brings me closer to Jesus.  Well, let me tell you it has not been fun. While I love the end result, I am not enjoying the process.  There are much more fun things I'd rather do. Things have gotten so disorganized in our home that working on one area a day is very time consuming.  It is keeping me off the computer and off the phone (which is probably good).  It is keeping me out of stores (which is very good). I pray for my friends and family while I organize. And I listen to music. I have also realized (especially when I did Kate's closet) how much material excess we have.  That girl does not need one single stitch of clothing for at least 6 months.  It made me realize how much time I have spent shopping on the internet or in person and how I could use that time more productively. 

So this week's schedule:

Monday and Tuesday : Computer Nook. We have this built in desk/computer room at the top of the stairs.  This is where the boys computer is.  It is also full of drawers and cabinets that are stuffed with photos, photo albums, office supplies and loads of paper.  I DREAD cleaning it out.  It will surely take me 2 days to go through all of that paper.  It is a disaster area.

Wednesday and Thursday: Playroom/Media Room.  I must be trying to torture myself because this is another HUGE job.   There is a wall full of built ins and two large closets full of toys not to mention the cabinets full of video games and movies.  Luckily, I did parts of this room not too long ago so it might not be that bad.

Friday: Another Upstairs Hall Closet  This should not be too tough as I did it not too long ago too and this storage closet does not get much use.

For some reason, I did not assign myself another area for Saturday. Maybe I was being realistic and knew those two big areas would kick my butt this week. I am still a few drawers behind in Kate's bathroom so maybe I will finish that up on Saturday.  Also, it will be a small miracle if I get these areas completed. So, I will use Saturday as a catch up day if needed.

A few people asked for photos and I will try to take them as I work. It is a little hard for me to share how messy some parts of our house have gotten but I want to be honest and vulnerable and true so I will show y'all.  I did take some of Kate's closet before and after but honestly her closet was not too awful.  You should see my bedside table.  THAT photo is BAD but I have not cleaned it yet so I only have the before;)  

Okay, here are the before photos of Kate's closet....

And here are the after shots....

I have it organized (on the bottom rack which are the clothes she wears) by color left to right, light to dark.  First (to the left) are all her everyday dresses and then all her uniform clothes (on the right side).  This makes things much easier in the mornings.  I always have our closets organized by type of clothes and color. The top rack are things she has outgrown but we are keeping or things that she only wears occasionally or costumes etc...  That bar is more organized by size and wear.

I ended up giving all of this below (and more) away to a special friend who lives here.



But I have a few things to sell as well.  I will try to list those this week if anyone in interested.
  It is mostly Matilda Jane ruffle pants I think.  Also, if anyone know a little person with the name Kate or the monogram kSe, let me know.  I have some things I could send. They are probably sized 3 or 4 T.

And finally, a few of you said you would like to do the 40 bags project but you work full time.  I totally agree, I could not do this if I worked full time on this scale.  I am kind of pretending (in my own head) that we are putting our house on the market and each spot has to be completely and totally organized as if we were showing our house to buyers.  If I were working full time though, I might take a small easy area each day and try to fill a small bag.  This project is doable on various scales.

And speaking of work, I am working more.  For those of you new to 3 peanuts, I have a Ph.D. and do Marriage and Parenting Coaching.  Last week, I gave two presentations. One was at a preschool and it was on both parenting and marriage. The other one was to a group of married couples at our church  and the topic was day to day maintenance of marriage.  I also have begun seeing more clients and I just LOVE it.   I am thinking about offering one hour parenting/marriage/life coaching sessions by Skype for long distance clients.  What do you think?  I have seen others do it.