My Sweet Kindergartner vs. The Queen Bee

I've debated whether or not to post this...but here goes it.  A lot of people have recently asked about my decision to send Kate to kindergarten (since I had considered holding her back and blogged about it) or to give an update about how she is doing.

As far as how we decided to move onto kindergarten....  Lots of the kids in her kindergarten grade are summer birthdays.  I was able to find that out.  I also talked to the kindergarten teachers, 2nd grade and 5th grade teachers at her school and frankly interviewed them about summer birthday girls.  I asked them both how they do academically and socially.  But mostly we saw Kate leap ahead in every way this summer.  She became more confident, more social and more mature.  I also REALLY wanted her to go to school ONE year with one of her brothers.  That might seem silly to some but Harry and Kate are SO SO SO close and this is the only year they could ever go to school together. That was certainly a secondary consideration.  Mostly, we felt she was ready.

As far as how she is doing....

First and foremost. Kate is happy.  She loves her teacher and she is beaming every afternoon when I pick her up.  All the kids say hello to her in the hallway.  And she and the principal have bonded over fashion;)  Even though Kate wears a uniform we have managed to "jazz it up" a bit (as our friend, Lucy would say).  She is doing great with the academic work (although that took a few weeks).

There have been a few bumps/adjustments too.  The first couple of days Kate was trying to make her friends laugh by making bird call noises and inventing new games.  After a couple of warnings from the teacher, she has gotten the gist of things and has not had any color changes.  She also thought one of the daily sight words tasks was tres' boring.  She had no interest in writing the same word over and over in fill in the blank sentences.  We had some chats about how following directions is part of leaning and she is now doing much better.

However, apparently, "mean girl drama" can begin in kindergarten. Just like in most schools... there is a girl who seems to rule the roost.  Said girl (I'll call her QUEEN BEE) decides who can play with whom on the playground.  She tells girls they cannot play in the kitchen at free center time.  She is 6.  Kate just turned 5.  

The other night Kate asked me what day tomorrow is.  I told her Friday. She said , "Oh good, I get to play with "Queen Bee" tomorrow!"  I said, "What do you mean?"  She proceeded to tell me that Queen Bee decides who gets to play with the girls and all week she has told Kate she can play with the girls on Friday!  Are you kidding me?!  In kindergarten?

Of course, I had to seize this teachable moment.  I told Kate she should choose friends who want to play with her every day.  I reminded her of the welcoming, sweet girls in her class and told her to go play with them.  I told her that she should surround herself with the people who want to play with her every day and who are kind and inclusive.  But apparently, Queen Bee has learned how to divide and conquer.  She pulls the girls apart and plays with different ones on different days.  And the girls follow her and listen to her.  

This situation is the major reason I wanted to hold Kate back.  Kate is young and SWEET.  That is the word everyone uses to describe her.  She is a little naive (in a good way I think--but clearly I am not objective here.)   She does not get playground politics.  She is not nearly as manipulative and savvy as Queen Bee (and I am not sure I really want her to be).  I just don't want her to be a puppy waiting for her turn to play with the "popular" girl.  So, I am trying to teach Kate about friendship and assertiveness and including everyone.  It is hard.

Yesterday, I popped in the cafeteria to say hello to Kate at lunch and she was sitting alone at a table.  It BROKE-MY-HEART.   I felt so sad.  But Kate was happy.   She did not seem sad at all.  I went to sit with her for a few minutes and immediately 5 of her classmates said, "Kate's Mom!" and came to sit with us (they probably thought I had treats;).  Ironically, Queen Bee sat right next to Kate.  I chatted with all the kiddos for a few minutes.  Luckily, I know them all as I volunteer in the classroom a bunch.  Then I steered the conversation to recess.  I looked Queen Bee right in the eye and asked if everyone was being included at recess.  She told me "Yes, Kate is my friend."  I was very chipper and upbeat and just reminded all the kids that they should make sure everyone gets to play and that no one is left out.  I know I did not solve the problem but I did let little Queen Bee know that I was on to her.

The begin of the year planner is called "All About me."  I have had a little anxiety about this as there are some sensitive areas that can come up regarding adoption.  But I did find some great resources to share with Kate's teacher.  I wanted to share Kate's projects for this planner...

First, we made a "me doll."  The teacher gave us a template and we were supposed to make it look like them.

For the "All about Me" poster...Kate painted the posterboard pink, chose all the photos, came up with the words (Harry made the wortle on the computer).  She cut some of the stuff out but definitely got bored with that!  

These projects were definitely supposed to be done with lots of parental help.  I normally don't help the kids with these things but these two were supposed to be done as a team.

The teacher had told me that Kate was being very shy in class (which is NOT Kate) but she told me yesterday that Kate completely came out of her shell when presenting her poster.  She told me that she was so animated and excited to talk about it.  She told me that Kate called her brothers "very handsome" as she talked about them.

So all in all, I think we made the right decision although I know it could be years before we really know.  I will be watching carefully all year for any red flags that she needs more time. She can always do two years of kindergarten if we think that is necessary.  We gave Will an extra year of pre-school and it was the right choice for him.

PS.  As a marriage and parenting coach, I HIGHLY recommend this book.  It has been updated to include social networking.  I read the old edition but just bought the new one and I will be re-reading it to help teach Kate how to deal with this stuff.  If you have girls (any ages really) then you should read this book!