Buckets and Love languages---Oh my!

(an image from my photo shoot with Harry)

So remember a few weeks ago one of the peanuts told me he felt unloved?   Well, we had a tough couple of weeks with that guy.  He was rude and disrespectful and talking back.  He brought me to tears with some hurtful things in a few week period.  This particular peanut is usually a real sweetie (although they all have their moments).

I knew he was not feeling great.  I knew I needed to make him feel better.  I FIRMLY believe that kids who feel badly behave badly and vice versa.  So, I cooked him his favorite meals.  I poured on the praise when I caught him doing something praise worthy.  I ordered him a special book that is out of print but I knew he would love.  It was all to no avail.  Said peanut was still out of sorts.  He was still behaving pretty badly.

I was truly at my wits end. I mean I was really, really down. Then a friend loaned me a book called How Full is Your Bucket for Kids.  The general concept is that we all have invisible buckets full of water above our head and when something bad happens or we get in trouble or we are mean or someone is mean to us, water drips out of our bucket.  When our bucket is empty, we tend to be negative.  And when our bucket is full we are positive.   I knew of this concept and whole heartedly agree with it.  So, I read this book to my young man. I asked Harry this particular peanut how his bucket was and he said, "EMPTY!"  I reminded him of the special meals I cooked, the book I bought him, the praise.  Still, he felt empty.

Then I remembered Love Languages.  Love languages are the ways we communicate and feel loved.  Some people feel loved through acts of service (cooking the meal). Others feel love from receiving gifts (the book).  Some need words of praise.  For others physical affection communicates love.  And finally, some people feel loved through one on one quality time together.  And yes, that is Harry's love language.  Harry's bucket only feels full when I do special things one on one with him.  So, even though I was trying to show him how much I loved him, I was not speaking his language.

And I will be brutally honest. Unfortunately, Harry gets the least quality one on one time with me sometimes.  See, I get one on one time with Kate because she is in school less than the boys.  And I get one on one time with Will when Harry is at Judo 3 times a week or baseball 2 times a week.  Dave takes Harry to Judo.  Harry is the busiest person in our family.  He plays two sports and has a very busy social life.  So, with 3 kids at 3 schools, a husband, two dogs and a household to manage, I was not making a lot of one on one time with Harry.  Truthfully, it is very difficult to squeeze it all in.

We  are changing that.  We are reading a book together every night now (even if he gets home late from Judo).  We have had a few dates in the past week.  I am trying really hard to find small moments to focus just on him.  And guess what?  He told me he his bucket is really full!!!  

Yesterday, we had a date where we went to a park dowtown and took still life photos and out of the blue he put his arms around me and hugged me tight.  Harry never does that.  He filled my bucket.

Of course, Will is now a wee bit jealous of some of the time Harry is getting so now I need to focus on his love language and bucket filling. Seriously, how do you parents of 9 kids do it?

And as an aside, Harry is an incredible photographer.  He got some awesome shots that I plan to post.  He really has a natural eye (way better than mine).

( I have no deal with either of these books or Amazon at all---but I highly recommend How full is your bucket for kids and Love Languages.  I have the grown up Love Languages book and find it very helpful to all relationships.)