All my life, I have believed in God. I have felt really faithful for as long as I can remember. However, I am working through two Bible studies that have made me wonder just how strong my faith really is. In theory, in words, and in belief my faith has never wavered. But in action, it has. See, I struggle with fear sometimes. I am so afraid of flying. I hate to even type that sentence because it gives power to the fear. But I cannot hide from the truth. So, you can imagine how hard it is for me to put one of my beloved children on a plane to Europe without us. I worry about his safety and his migraines and everything.
One of the Bible studies I am in is based on Ann Voskamp's 1,000 gifts. It is a lovely study on gratitude and opening our hands wide to all the gifts God gives us daily. In the study, Ann talks about faith and trust. And in words far more beautful than mine, she says that real faith is not just believing in God but it is trusting God every day. Honestly, I have struggled with that my whole life. I feel like I trust God. But would I be afraid driving on freeways and flying if I had complete trust? It seems easy to trust God when everything is going according to our plan. But when His plan is different from ours, do I still trust Him? In the depths of my soul, do I trust His plan every day?
I have blogged before about love not being a feeling but more of an action and a daily decision. I am learning that faith is the same way. It is not a feeling about God. It is an action. It is living with confidence that His plan is bigger and better than ours even when it does not feel that way. Especially when it does not feel like our plan. It is knowing and acting as though "He's got this." It is living life knowing He is in control not me. I'm not there completely yet but I am trying. I have a feeling I will be trying my whole life.
So, I am trying to work on living out my faith each day by trusting more in God. I am reminding myself (sometimes every few minutes) that "He's got this." Life is not in my control and would I really want it to be when His wisdom is infinite? I am doing this by allowing Harry to spread his wings on this trip and when I feel fear I say to myself "Jesus, I trust in you." I am also sending Kate to sleep-away camp this summer in another state! That is going to be really hard too as we've never been away from each other. But I know the only way I can learn to trust more is to hold on less.
Some Iphone snappies...
Kate and Harry were walking through the airport like this and I kept trying to get pictures but it was hard moving through the crowded airport.
Kate did much better this time saying goodbye.
When Will was in 7th grade, she cried hysterically when we took him to the airport for a trip to France.
Harry is safely in the air right now and I am trusting in God. We found Harry's toiletry bag in the back of my car. He took it out of his backpack as he was checking that he had everything and he never put it back. UGH! Luckily, he can buy some toothpaste and deodorant once he lands.
It is so hard to let them fly! You just pray that they will be safe and that they will make good decision when they aren't with you. What an amazing opportunity for him to see another culture! I think this is the greatest way to help our children learn about other people.
ReplyDeleteWow -- that would be so hard for me too. What an amazing trip for Harry. Trusting and letting go are such hard lessons and we keep learning and working on them our whole lives, don't we.
ReplyDeleteI think we can all completely understand and relate to your feelings. I will be praying for you both!
ReplyDeleteA truly beautiful post Kim. Before you know it your Harry will be back and in the meantime, God has him. How wonderful of you not to allow your fear from stopping him to "spread his wings"...now that is a wise Mumma and not every one could let go like you did.
ReplyDeleteYes, I so get this. I think I wrote to you a while back about witnessing a horrific car accident that I eventually sought counseling for because I couldn't close my eyes without seeing it. The counselor told me to come up with a mantra that I can repeat when I feel fearful (I might change it to "He's got this.") :-). Anyway, my two fears are my loved ones and myself driving on the interstate and flying. Each time I prepare for a trip I find myself repeating my mantra over and over as I'm planning, packing, loading, etc. and it has truly helped me!
ReplyDeleteThis also reminds me of a conversation I had with a colleague after the school shooting in CT. I said, "I can't imagine that I would have enough faith to get through something like that." And she replied, "I can't imagine NOT having enough faith to get through that!" WOW. I will continue to work on this the rest of my life, too! Thanks for this post. It made my day.
Love this post.I am working on strengthening my trust, too ... I believe it is sincerely worth the work. Letting go is hard, but having the strength to do it when it is difficult is a sign of true courage and faith!
ReplyDeleteEcclesiastes 9:11 says that "time and unforeseen occurrence befall" all of us. So, there is nothing wrong with having fear based on real dangers. That kind of fear is for our protection. Faith doesn't mean letting go of all fear. There are real dangers in this world ruled by Satan, so don't feel like you have to overcome all of your motherly fear.
ReplyDeleteI remember when you posted about Will going--can't believe Harry is old enough for this now!!! We were going to send our 5th grade daughter on a trip to Alaska with people to people this summer but she experienced bad homesickness at girl Scout camp last summer so we opted out of the program--This is such a wonderful experience for Harry--I would be beside myself sending my chile---i was not sure how I was going to handle Alaska but I know we need to prepare them and then give them wings when they are are ready and trust God! Can't wait to hear all about this trip--this is such a wonderful experience for him!
ReplyDeleteThis post really hit home right with me right now. Thank you for sharing this.
ReplyDeleteoh and only if he had remembered his toiletry bag~ then it would have been perfect! Enjoy Harry!
ReplyDeleteNice post! I feel like a lot of the danger is coming into our home, and even just going to the mall, because of the music they play and their advertisements. Things that society says are good, but the Bible teaches will send you to Hell. So, I guess I'm saying the things that scare you are not really what has got me so very scared. Either way, we have to trust God more and more. I'm trying to work on that myself.
ReplyDeleteLove EVERYTHING about this post as well as your transparency. I think I needed to see this today, because I struggle with this ALL the time. I let fear override and have to learn that I have no control over things and just to TRUST GOD. The picture with Kate and Harry hugging is priceless!
ReplyDeleteQuerida Kate entiendo y comparto totalmente tus sentimientos.
ReplyDeleteEl viaje es precioso, pero el es tan pequeño...verdad, siempre seran pequeños nuestros hijos.
Yo vivo en España si necesitais "algo" me lo dices. No vivo en ninguno de los lugares que va ha visitar, vivo en Murcia pero si vuestro hijo necesitara algo no dudes en escribirme. manuela.mol@gmail.com
UN GRAN ABRAZO
I can relate to this post soooo much! I am terrified to fly too and especially without my kids! In addition, we are sending Carson to out of state camp and Kamree to overnight camp and I know I will be a mess! Parenting is sooo hard!
ReplyDeleteKim...a peanut is in Spain! I am sure he will enyoy every single minute in my country. Pamplona, Barcelona, el país Vasco... are very beautiful and interesting places.
ReplyDeleteI have the same fears but you are stronger than me. I do not allow them to fly.
A kiss flying from Spain,
Belén
Yes Belen, Harry is in Barcelona right now and he does not want to come home! He loves it ...the food, the architecture, the people. He is very happy. Kisses,
DeleteKim
Kim. Barcelona is such a beautiful city and yes, the architecture is so amazing..Did you know that.Antonio Gaudí ( sagrada familia catholic architect) will probably be a " devout person" in two years?
DeleteI am sure Harry is eating the typical spanish "tapas" that are so tasty!
Harry is going to learn a lot in this travel.
Love,
Belén
This is such a sweet post, I just want to come hug you. It's hard to handle fears when they are just ours but when our children are involved, oh.my.word. It's SO hard. I think God tests my heart by putting my children in situations that I fear. Watching my kids go through things I fear myself is torture. My heart is ripped out, walking around in this sweet little person. But the Lord reminds me to trust Him. I forget that He loves my children more than I do (although I'm not sure how that is possible, LOL).
ReplyDeleteJust wanted to comment on this post about faith and fear. If God were 'leading us by the hand', so to speak, then it would not be true what is written in Ecclesiastes 9:11. It states that 'time and unforeseen occurrence befall us all'. That would indicate that some fear is not only not a bad thing, but, would act as a protection for us. Also, we have a gift from God…freedom of choice. All of us are affected by the choices we make every day. Not only do our choices affect us, but, they affect others around us. So, though it's a good thing to concern ourselves with faith…it doesn't mean that we won't fear anything. There is much to fear in this world. So, don't feel badly about having fear of truly fearful things. I'm sure it's not the flying that you fear, but, the long fall and the outcome that we hear about so often on the news. Me, too. :)
ReplyDelete