Making room for adoption

This one is straight from my heart (well they all are) but this one is long and personal....

I have posted before about many of the adjustments of adoption on our family. I have blogged about Kate's attachment hiccups in the early days, her difficulty sleeping and the effects on Dave and me. Before Kate's adoption, we had a sitter for a weekly date night. I think that is SO important for a good marriage. However, we have never really gotten back to that because it took so long for Kate to trust babysitters and she still will not let anyone put her to sleep but Dave (and occasionally me). She has been home two and a half years. She is happy and well adjusted and trusting and except for not letting a sitter put her to bed, I think she is really quite fine.

Over the years, I have heard many of my friends feel the call from God to go back to China or to Africa or somewhere else to adopt again. I honestly have not heard that whisper from Him (until recently). I even confessed to my good friend that I wondered what was wrong with me. Why could some people handle 4, 5, 6, 7 or MORE children and many of them with special needs? Why am I only equipped to handle three peanuts?

Yesterday, I was ironing and watching Oprah. She was catching up with amazing families. She re-capped a community of families in Charlotte, NC who have adopted over 100 children from Liberia. I was glued to the TV. I remember the original show and feeling compelled to adopt then (I think we were logged into China at that point). I had tears of joy in my eyes yesterday as I watched these amazing families. I was picturing one of these older children in our family. I recalled that we have one more space at our kitchen table (it seats 6). I wondered if God was in fact whispering in my heart.

Last night as I mentioned it to Dave, he was very certain that our family cannot handle another child. He reminded me that the biggest adjustment was not for Kate or us last time. But the person hardest hit when we adopted Kate was Harry. I am not saying that Kate's world was not turned upside down--it was. But we catered to her every single attachment need and she recovered quickly. Harry did not and I have not really shared much about that and I think I should.

Harry has never once been anything but incredibly loving and sweet to Kate. He is so proud of his little sister and there are times when he is the only person who can calm her down. They have an amazingly sweet and wonderful relationship. BUT....Harry had a VERY DIFFICULT TIME when she came home. In fact, it is only now that I think he is better. He had so much anger toward me and Dave yet he could not articulate it and he did not even really know where it was coming from.

I took him to a child psychologist and we did play therapy. I tried to talk to him about it all the time. We maintained our individual dates with him. Still for 2 and 1/2 years, he was different. He felt ignored. He felt as though we gave all of our attention to Kate and he was angry. Let me clarify, he was not ignored and he got plenty of attention but yes...Kate needed us. She was a baby who had been taken from her foster Mom and dropped into our family. She needed more of our time than the boys. Will completely understood that. Harry did not. Worst of all, he could not really communicate his feelings to us.

Last night as I tucked him in I asked him, "Was it really hard for you when we adopted Kate?" For the first time in 2 and 1/2 years, he could actually answer me.

He said, "Yes and it was really hard for Will too Mom. You gave Kate all of your attention for a long time."

That was the first time he really admitted that to me in a coherent way. I think he felt guilty and confused before. He loves his sister and he was happy she was part of our family but he was hurting too.

He also told me that his recollection is that we made him quit sports for about 4-5 months after Kate came home. And he added that sports is what makes him happy. This is not true at all. Dave was his soccer coach when Kate came home and he continued soccer, went immediately onto little league and then swim team. His never took even one week off from sports. But that is not the point. The point is HE thinks we made him quit baseball after one game. What this tells me is that he felt he had to give up a lot that was REALLY important to him when the adoption happened. Wow. I had never known that before.

Why am I sharing this? For a few reasons. One is that everyone always says that kids are resilient and they will adjust. I think people completely underestimate the effects that adoption has on siblings. Harry has taken the longest to adjust. His adjustment has been the most painful. We have no regrets about our adoption. In fact, it has been one of the greatest blessings of our lives. However, I probably wish that I had worried a little more about Will and Harry's adjustments at the very beginning when Kate came home. I was so concerned with her attachment that I did not focus enough on their issues. It took me a while to realize that Harry was suffering. I admit that at one point I thought he should just get over it. People add to their families every single day. I thought maybe he had been overindulged in attention before and was just pouting. I was wrong. He needed me and there was a lot less of me to have. I am only human and I was exhausted trying to meet everyone's needs. But still it made me realize that I have no business trying to do that all over again when I only just got Harry back.

Another reason is that I want to remember all of the journey, the good and the bad, the things we did right and the mistakes we made. I might make this post private in a few days but I will never delete it because it is our history.

I am so blessed and happy that Harry and I could finally have this conversation after all this time. I am sure we will talk about it again. And I got some questions answered too. God hasn't called us to adopt again because he knows what is best for my family right now. While I certainly have incredible, heartbreaking compassion for orphans (I want to save them all), I have to think about the 3 children I have and what is best for them. And Dave is right, we have just recovered. I am so blessed that he has more clarity than I do. It would not be fair to Harry (or anyone else) to go through that all again right now. I have realized that you need not only room at your dinner table or in your heart to adopt. But there needs to be room for everyone in the family. So, for now, we will have an extra seat for friends at our dinner table:)

P.S. I hope you all know that I am in complete awe of those who adopt multiple children. It appears as though the siblings adjust very well. I am just stating what the case was/is in our family. I am not making any judgements here.