Making room for adoption

Saturday, October 3, 2009

This one is straight from my heart (well they all are) but this one is long and personal....

I have posted before about many of the adjustments of adoption on our family. I have blogged about Kate's attachment hiccups in the early days, her difficulty sleeping and the effects on Dave and me. Before Kate's adoption, we had a sitter for a weekly date night. I think that is SO important for a good marriage. However, we have never really gotten back to that because it took so long for Kate to trust babysitters and she still will not let anyone put her to sleep but Dave (and occasionally me). She has been home two and a half years. She is happy and well adjusted and trusting and except for not letting a sitter put her to bed, I think she is really quite fine.

Over the years, I have heard many of my friends feel the call from God to go back to China or to Africa or somewhere else to adopt again. I honestly have not heard that whisper from Him (until recently). I even confessed to my good friend that I wondered what was wrong with me. Why could some people handle 4, 5, 6, 7 or MORE children and many of them with special needs? Why am I only equipped to handle three peanuts?

Yesterday, I was ironing and watching Oprah. She was catching up with amazing families. She re-capped a community of families in Charlotte, NC who have adopted over 100 children from Liberia. I was glued to the TV. I remember the original show and feeling compelled to adopt then (I think we were logged into China at that point). I had tears of joy in my eyes yesterday as I watched these amazing families. I was picturing one of these older children in our family. I recalled that we have one more space at our kitchen table (it seats 6). I wondered if God was in fact whispering in my heart.

Last night as I mentioned it to Dave, he was very certain that our family cannot handle another child. He reminded me that the biggest adjustment was not for Kate or us last time. But the person hardest hit when we adopted Kate was Harry. I am not saying that Kate's world was not turned upside down--it was. But we catered to her every single attachment need and she recovered quickly. Harry did not and I have not really shared much about that and I think I should.

Harry has never once been anything but incredibly loving and sweet to Kate. He is so proud of his little sister and there are times when he is the only person who can calm her down. They have an amazingly sweet and wonderful relationship. BUT....Harry had a VERY DIFFICULT TIME when she came home. In fact, it is only now that I think he is better. He had so much anger toward me and Dave yet he could not articulate it and he did not even really know where it was coming from.

I took him to a child psychologist and we did play therapy. I tried to talk to him about it all the time. We maintained our individual dates with him. Still for 2 and 1/2 years, he was different. He felt ignored. He felt as though we gave all of our attention to Kate and he was angry. Let me clarify, he was not ignored and he got plenty of attention but yes...Kate needed us. She was a baby who had been taken from her foster Mom and dropped into our family. She needed more of our time than the boys. Will completely understood that. Harry did not. Worst of all, he could not really communicate his feelings to us.

Last night as I tucked him in I asked him, "Was it really hard for you when we adopted Kate?" For the first time in 2 and 1/2 years, he could actually answer me.

He said, "Yes and it was really hard for Will too Mom. You gave Kate all of your attention for a long time."

That was the first time he really admitted that to me in a coherent way. I think he felt guilty and confused before. He loves his sister and he was happy she was part of our family but he was hurting too.

He also told me that his recollection is that we made him quit sports for about 4-5 months after Kate came home. And he added that sports is what makes him happy. This is not true at all. Dave was his soccer coach when Kate came home and he continued soccer, went immediately onto little league and then swim team. His never took even one week off from sports. But that is not the point. The point is HE thinks we made him quit baseball after one game. What this tells me is that he felt he had to give up a lot that was REALLY important to him when the adoption happened. Wow. I had never known that before.

Why am I sharing this? For a few reasons. One is that everyone always says that kids are resilient and they will adjust. I think people completely underestimate the effects that adoption has on siblings. Harry has taken the longest to adjust. His adjustment has been the most painful. We have no regrets about our adoption. In fact, it has been one of the greatest blessings of our lives. However, I probably wish that I had worried a little more about Will and Harry's adjustments at the very beginning when Kate came home. I was so concerned with her attachment that I did not focus enough on their issues. It took me a while to realize that Harry was suffering. I admit that at one point I thought he should just get over it. People add to their families every single day. I thought maybe he had been overindulged in attention before and was just pouting. I was wrong. He needed me and there was a lot less of me to have. I am only human and I was exhausted trying to meet everyone's needs. But still it made me realize that I have no business trying to do that all over again when I only just got Harry back.

Another reason is that I want to remember all of the journey, the good and the bad, the things we did right and the mistakes we made. I might make this post private in a few days but I will never delete it because it is our history.

I am so blessed and happy that Harry and I could finally have this conversation after all this time. I am sure we will talk about it again. And I got some questions answered too. God hasn't called us to adopt again because he knows what is best for my family right now. While I certainly have incredible, heartbreaking compassion for orphans (I want to save them all), I have to think about the 3 children I have and what is best for them. And Dave is right, we have just recovered. I am so blessed that he has more clarity than I do. It would not be fair to Harry (or anyone else) to go through that all again right now. I have realized that you need not only room at your dinner table or in your heart to adopt. But there needs to be room for everyone in the family. So, for now, we will have an extra seat for friends at our dinner table:)

P.S. I hope you all know that I am in complete awe of those who adopt multiple children. It appears as though the siblings adjust very well. I am just stating what the case was/is in our family. I am not making any judgements here.


65 comments:

  1. Thank you for this post. This is exactly how I feel about family size and adoption. Every single family is different and the only people who can decide what is right for their particular family is the people in that family. For some families that means 10 children and for some families that means 1 child. For some families that means adoption while for others adoption is not an option.

    Jae

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  2. Thanks for sharing. I respect your honesty and have experienced similar emotions from my children. I have always enjoyed your blog and you have taught me alot..(my family loves the appetizer with salami, fresh basil, mozarella and tomato..I never even new white balsamic existed!!) Thanks again for sharing your deepest thoughts...I describe my life as "good crazy" kids teach us new lessons each day!!! :) Mindy

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  3. Beautiful post. You ar doing what is best for your family right now and that is important. I admire you for talking to your husband and really thinking this through. Maybe someday the opportunity will present itself, but for now, take care of your peanuts!

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  4. Kudos on a great post! What you are expressing is exceedingly important as are Harry's reflections on his own experience. For kids, perception is reality (as Harry's account makes so clear) and he's lucky to have a mom so tuned into what he feels and needs. I think that family dynamics are always shifting and changing and each person has a unique experience that must be considered. I know exactly how you feel. We, too, have had sort of long adjustments. Emma is really just beginning to sleep more regularly (and that is 2.5 years later). It's still a big deal when she sleeps through the night. Both girls have had anxious attachments and that does take a lot of work, patience, understanding and adjustment for EVERYONE in the family. Knowing everyone's needs as well as their
    limits is crucial.
    We are family #1 on our agency's waiting child list and have been for a while but we put things on hold when it became clear that we needed to. I could jump at any moment but I'm trying to remain patient and make sure all needs here are met first...and it is soooo hard because I would truly love to adopt again...like now. There is room in my heart for many, but in reality, each child takes a slice of the ever dwindling pie (of time, resources, etc.). I hate to admit that I have limitations, but I'm human...and I do. We all do.

    Your post was full of honesty and wisdom. Thanks for sharing your thoughts! Harry has a fantastic mom!

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  5. Kim,
    The only reason that I haven't adopted before now is because of Paige. She tells me ALL of the time that if we added another little one to our family she couldn't handle it.
    I, too, thought she was overindulged and just spoiled and didn't want to share the spotlight.
    However, after MANY thoughtful and deep conversations, I HEARD her. She really believes she would struggle with a new little one in our family.
    God whispered to me how blessed I am to be her sister/motherly figure and I needed to HEAR her. I did!
    Your Harry is a precious little boy and I am so glad he feels so comfortable opening up to you about his feelings.
    You guys have an incredible line of communication. You are blessed!

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  6. Kim,

    You are so precious. You make room in your life to not only document your family's journal, but to share your honest experiences!

    I feel (our family has felt) a lot of the same things. I know, just know, that bringing Mya into our lives has had it's toll on Carter, especially. They both adore her, but I know they have felt the sacrifice.

    This doesn't mean that we won't answer the call if we are ever called again (; But I stick with "God would have to move A LOT of mountains" for that to happen. To include healing & intimacy in our family!

    Thanks, Kim and lifting up sweet Harry today. Praying that his understanding will culminate and come full circle as he grasps the gift of Kate in his life!

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  7. Our middle son was 4 yrs old when his sister came home from China ~ he slept on the floor of our room for about 8 mos., he started crying and hiding under the table at preschool- it was a very rough time! He is finally coming around, unlike your Harry, he often showed his "distaste" for his sister - Our family is complete, but sometimes I just get that urge, that feeling that we need a sister for Mia :) Thank goodness she has Meg nearby, because we are done...

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  8. Thanks for sharing such indepth feelings about your adoption process with Kate and your son's adjustment to it all. Such an amazing learning and growing experience that must be for all of you! Yet so rewarding and love filled. I am 42 and single and have never had any children. My thoughts for the future are possibly adoption when I get married. There are so many wonderful children in the world who need love, security and wonderful families like yours!

    Visiting from SITS! :)

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  9. Oh, I love this post!! I think it is wise to realize bringing a new family member into your home affects everyone in the entire family.
    There are lots of other ways to help and support orphans besides adopting them yourself.
    And I would not be so sure everything is as good and smooth as it seems in families who adopt multiple children. Their blogs may only represent the positive.

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  10. Thank you for being so honest... I've been feeling very similar thoughts. My bio daughter had and sometimes still has difficulty adjusting to having a brother in her life. I truly thought it would be the other way around but it certainly wasn't in our case. I often wonder if we will adopt again, but right now I think we are in a good place and will stay this way for awhile.

    Your honesty is so comforting. Sometimes I read blogs and get depressed. Everything seems so wonderful and my home is far from being that way at times. Once again thanks...

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  11. Wonderful post. Every family has to do what is best as they see it. C-section vs natural. Breast vs bottle. Private school vs public vs homeschool. Large family vs small family vs medium family vs no child family. Do what your heart tells you is best and at least you will have no regrets.

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  12. What a brave, homest post. I am so proud of H for voicing how he felt and for the way you handled this. Thank you for sharing, your grace in every situation is always inspiring.

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  13. That is such a great insight . My brother adopted their daughter when their second child was only 2 so I don't think he knew what was really going on , they adjusted very smoothly , luckily .
    I would love to adopt but for this same reason{concern for my other child} you just shared I know I can not , my second child is senesitve and always feels threatened , it is so hard at times to convince her that we love her too if we show affection even to her sister , I am a decorator and she gets jealous of the children who's room's I work on , this is why we didn't have any other biological children after her as well , she is loving and she even says she would like us to adopt , but in reality I know her better than she knows herself , this kind of experience in reality would be too much for her to handle , I can't fault her , this is just who she is .

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  14. Kate
    Thank you so much for this post.
    I think anyone concsidering adoption needs to read this!
    OH! how I love the fact that you have told us you were talking to GOD about it, and hear NO audiable voice, sometimes the answer is YES or No, just wait wait for a season to come.
    But indeed our LORD always answers!
    ANd right on time at that too!
    I know in my heart you not making judgements of any sorts!
    it will be better for you to have that extra seat at the table for a friend, at this time in life than to go thru maybe two exhausting times in life, adopting and the private pain of a child that feels left out!! plus you know what is best from your heart and for your family too, and I love the way you and your husband have that open line of communication too.
    God shall always honor that!
    Everyone has needs a parent a child the spouse the other children in the process, I have TONS of compassions on the little lost orphans, cry every time I read their stories but for now my friend you and your husband and your family have listened for the voice of GOD! Seems like you got your clarity and your well-deserved answer too!
    I so again admire this post!
    You know what is best for you!
    Have a safe happy healthy week-end!
    Many Blessings from above!
    Cindy

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  15. Beautifully said. Seeing as we just came home from Thailand a week ago with our son...I can only imagine if we will adopt again. But I've wondered about some of these same issues with our daughters and your insight is so helpful. Thank you for sharing.

    Blessings~

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  16. Kim:

    Thank you so much for sharing your experiences! I think that my older kids (11 and 13 at the time) also had a difficult adjustment period after Sophie came home because our life really did change... and they verbalized to me all the time that they were jealous of the attention that a baby takes but that they completely loved their baby sister.

    I am so glad that Harry is able to tell you now how he felt. You and Dave are so in tune to your kids and their feelings and emotional growth. Your three peanuts are incredibly blessed to have you as their parents.

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  17. I am so thankful for the miracle of each of your precious Peanuts. And that God has healed Harry's heart and spirit.
    Big hug to you all...
    Love,
    Daleea

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  18. I am continually amazed at how wonderful a mother you are and how beautiful your family is. Thank you for the honest and poignant post.

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  19. Thats what I love about you is that your honest.

    I have had the same thoughts going through my head. We also struggle with the financial part of adoption.

    Big hugs, Michele

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  20. Thank you for sharing those thoughts with us. I do know that adoption is very serious. I have been blessed with 2 beautiful daughters and my husband and my daughters are ready to have a sibling but I'm not. We talked about adoption but even though I have an adopted brother, I myself do not think I could take the step and adopt a baby. It was (and still is) a very long and rough road for my sisters, myself and even for my parents because of different issues. I would love to give some love and a home to a little angel but in my heart I know I could not do it and I really admire all the people that can...

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  21. I know nothing about adoption or raising children yet, but I just wanted to thank you for your honesty in this post! It's not easy to post stuff like this up for all to see, but I think it's so important for others dealing with a similar situation to see that they're not alone! I've always appreciated your honesty on this blog!

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  22. Kim,
    Thank you so much for your post. I have finally come to this realization for my family too. My 18 year old said that she would love to have me to herself sometimes. We forget the needs of our older children sometimes when concentrating on the baby when the older children need us too.I am amazed by the families that are able to adopt more and the way I can understand it is in how I can't explain God's intense pull on us to bring Madeline home and I think families that bring more home are simply called to do this and He carries them and their other children through it as He did ours. All of our families are so blessed by bringing our sweet babies home no matter how many! My husband informed me that I am not allowed to go to China every time one of our kids goes to college:) Thank you again for your post, Harry will be such a wonderful husband and father some day!

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  23. Thanks for your honest and thoughtful post. I think your reflections apply to the decision to have more biological children as well. More isn't always more, and might well be less for all concerned. I really appreciate all the love and thought you put into parenting your children, and I'm sure they do too.

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  24. BEAUTIFUL post...
    Hugs..
    have a great weekend...

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  25. Kim, thank you for sharing this. We have/and still are experiencing some of this with our 12 year old...who was the baby. I love how you shared how Harry seemed to think he gave up all sports and yet really didnt, it just goes to show their (siblings) perspective and it really is eye opening. Thank you for your "open book" on this important issue~xoxo

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  26. Kim,

    I wonder if it is the age of our little girls? (Tia turned 3 in July). I've been thinking about adoption again and there is NO WAY our family can handle it! Our 13 year old had a really difficult time with our now 6 year olds adoption and this affects our lives every single day.

    Thanks for your honesty - perhaps God has another way you can be involved in helping the orphans, that has been my thought for myself at least.

    Hugs :)

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  27. Kim, I also appreciate your honesty about a subject that is rarely discussed in the adoption community. My son was 4 when we brought home his new sister and he harbored a lot of anger toward her, for quite some time. He resented that we had to leave him here for two weeks and was very jealous of all the attention she received. To this day, Ben and Lily have a rocky relationship still, yet I know they have grown to love one another!

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  28. Thank you for honestly conveying such an poignant part of adoption. We have had several opportunities to adopt since bringing Libby Home. We planned on adopting another child, but truthfully, after losing James, we didn't have the same inclinations. I have said many times, that when we began Libby's adoption, I was COMPELLED to adopt. I knew that God wanted our family to include this child. Had I felt those same feelings, I'd have followed my heart. I know that for sure. There is nothing we could have done that would have blessed our children more than adopting Libby, but now we feel whole. Adoption is so magical, that it is hard to resist it's pull, but feeling content is a good sign that all is well. I admire you so much Kim. (And I've been away for a bit. I have missed a lot!)

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  29. Fabulous post Kim. My oldest had a hard time when Sophia first came home. Eli had to transition too into not being the only little one. You are so right that it changes the family dynamic for everyone.

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  30. Kim,
    I too really appreciate your honesty. So often in the blogworld we just read the "good stuff" unless it's a significant tragedy. But posts like these are so valuable because they are real and so much wisdom can be gleaned from them. I also feel like when you share the valleys then the celebrations at the peaks are that much sweeter.

    I always learn a little something or gain some fun inspiration by reading your blog. Thanks again.
    Kathy

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  31. You know, Kim, this post applies not only to adoption, but to adding siblings into the family through marriage and/or pregnancy. We are VERY fortunate to be adding to our family (although not anticipated!) in a few weeks; however, our eldest daughter who is Harry's age has had quite a tough time to the adjustment that she will soon be the eldest of four. She is so sweet and thoughtful usually, but has been so much less patient with the younger children and had a hard time adjusting to the new school year, and for a long time I didn't understand. I think now that although she is somewhat excited about a new little person being around, she is also wondering where she fits in - where does she fit in to our family, where does she fit into my time, etc.

    Thank you for another thought provoking post.

    P.S. Thanks for the book suggestion! Again, you thoughts made me REALLY think.

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  32. You spoke with such honesty and such heart in this post, it was a joy to read! Keep listening to God's "whisper," and you will make the right decisions...

    :) T

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  33. Being an aspiring adopt-o-mom, I feel so grateful to read of just life in general from all angles. I don't know if we ever will have the opportunity to adopt, but I am storing all of these little tidbits of information for my little adoption encyclopedia. Thanks for sharing Kim!

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  34. Great post Kim! Even though my sons were older and in high school when we adopted our daughter, it affected them too especially the younger one who then became the middle child. It is a huge adjustment for everyone and does take time. Take care.

    Janet

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  35. You are so funny with your little P.S. statement...everyone who knows you knows you are the least judgemental person Kim.

    As for adoption....it is terribly hard on the whole family isn't it? I think it happens more than we hear about it because people don't really talk about it much. I know that Emma Jane was very hard for two years on all of us. Her mostly, because she had alot of adjusting to do but also on our family as a whole. Adoption still tugs at my heart occasionally but the first thing that pops in my mind is Emma but not in a negative way in a positive way...she is my daughter...she could never ever handle me having another child new to this family to take any attention away from her. I think in our hearts we always know best. Love you and thank you for sharing.

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  36. Thanks for keeping it real. Our family has spent a whole summer adjusting to Ems and I understand everything you just said!

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  37. Kim, as you know, we are in Russia now - day 2 with Emma. Oh how we are already struggling with some issues on discipline and bedtime. I may need to consult you in the near future. I felt as though you were talking directly to me though, and maybe the Lord led me to your blog today for a reason. I struggled A LOT in between trips over to get Emma. Our Jackson (6) took it really hard when we left for the first trip 3 weeks ago, and I think he is going to have a very hard time adjusting to not being the baby in the family anymore. I am so worried about Brendan and Jackson and them feeling left out. I am so worried about the attachment with Emma and how she will fit into our family. I am praying for daily guidance on how we will handle these really BIG issues in the days, weeks, years to come. Would you mind if I ask you for advice from time to time? Your boys were about the same ages when Kate came home as mine are now. I want to try to be supermom to all three, and I already recognize that it will be ultra-important. I just don't know how I will physically make it all happen, and it is scaring me death as we sit in a foreign country trying desperately to make our way back home to our boys. Thank you so much for your honesty. I feel like too much is published on what should be politically correct, and not what really happens in families who have adopted. We definitely need help on how to discipline. If you read my post, you'll see. Emma has no understanding of "No"! She is very sneaky and mischievous already, and she has only been with us for 2 days. I can only imagine how that will impact our family dynamic and the effect it will have on her relationship with her brothers. Any insight???

    Thanks again for a great post!

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  38. Kim, thank you for this post! I often wonder if perhaps we are called to adopt (especially because of the extra space we have!) and I am in awe of those who have big families and make it work so well. But, realistically it would just not be right for our family. John travels A LOT for work, so it would be all on me, and I don't think that would be fair to the boys.
    Anyway, I really appreciate your honesty!! How wonderful that Harry is now able to articulate his feelings. And what wonderful parents you are Dave are to realize that he was hurting and providing him with the appropriate therapy. I don't think everyone would have done that!
    Enjoy the rest of your weekend,
    Gabi

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  39. As always, you have given your readers such an amazing look into you life and i truly want to thank you. Your blog not only is a wonderful thing for you and your family, yet it is an amazing thing for all who read. Im sure I can speak for many who love reading your honesty and learn through your sincerity. What a beautiful post, you and your family will make the best decision for your family and it seems like you always do!

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  40. Beautifully expressed, Kim. You are such a blessing to your family.

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  41. thanks for your open honest post, kim! what would we do without those 'level headed' people in our families to tell us the truth! my mom is like dave for me. i coudln't make it without her speaking the truth and getting me back on track when i need it!

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  42. Kim,

    Thank you. We adopted our daughter from China in 2006 and we have a LID for our second daughter in late 2007. I have had a few conversations with my daughter in which she expresses looking forward to having a sister (someone to play with), but if I mention that I will also be this child's mommy she says "No way!" My daughter is currently 4 years old. With the NSN process being so slow in China, I expect that it will be several more years before we will receive a referral. In a way, I have always felt like it was a blessing in disguise that we would have such a gap between children--that God knew my daughter would need this time with "just Mom and Dad" in order to become secure. As someone else mentioned, I was compelled to do our first adoption, and now I am content to wait. I am asking God to lead us and that everything would be in His timing.

    Is there anything you suggest reading to educate myself on how to prepare my daughter for her sister? (We don't talk about the adoption that often because it is so far in the future, but I'm wondering if there's anything I could be doing now that would be helpful in the future).

    Thanks, again, for your transparency and honesty.

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  43. I wonder what the conversations would have been like if Harry and Ainsley had been friends at that time. They both grew a lot during that challenging time. I love that boy. He is so honest and so real!

    Thanks for sharing from the heart!

    I love hearing about the wonderful conversations you have with your kids. The 3Peanuts are so blessed to have you as their Mom!!

    Love,
    Di

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  44. Kim-

    thank you so much for sharing... i too am wondering when i will feel like our family can handle another adoption- and remember we have only zoey. The attachment issues really shook my confidence. Yes, we are doing amazingly well right now but what I cannot imagine going thru that again while having another childs needs to deal with. Our amazing, brilliant attachment therapist said something to me that always resonates in my brain "children ARE NOT RESILIENT they are malleable". Every "hit" or "bump" shapes their brains. And their perspective is their truth! I say bravo to you for being so insightful.

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  45. Thank you so muc for this post! It was so thought provoking and well stated. It makes me wonder what the outcome of our adoption will be like on our daughter who has Autism. I know that she will have some adjustments and maybe possibly regress but I pray that she will also be resilient.

    Blessings,
    Jody

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  46. Thank you for being so honest. I have been hearing the "calling" for the last two years...we only have Kate who will be 6 next Saturday. She often will talk about going back to China for another China baby, but then always asks a million questions that remind me of how Harry must have been feeling. I had the paperwork and was ready to go despite having reservations b/c of Kate. I just HAD to adopt again...I longed for another little one. However, I received my answer the other day when my husband was terminated due to cut-backs. I now know that my heart is for our daughter and I want to give her the best life possible. Could I really do so on a teacher's salary alone? Not so much. Kate was brought into our life and is our life-100%. I just have to accept that & be happy with that. I have already decided that I can give myself to an orphan in other ways. So many women that I have been in touch with in blog land have inspired me to do so. Maybe you too could do the same..I realize that for myself and you as well, it isn't the same as bringing a child into your home to love, but it IS touching a life...and that makes a difference too!

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  47. Thanks for sharing this post and for your honesty, Kim. In two days, we are going to celebrate Kara being home with us for three months. I have been trying to plan a post in my mind that would articulate much of what we have experienced this time around with adopting a much older child, so some of your post sounds very familiar. Probably the hardest part was the affect on Leila. She lost her place as oldest child in the family and one can never truly prepare for that, as we have learned.

    p.s. I tivo'd Oprah and watched it last night. Wasn't that community just amazing?!? I was in tears the entire time.

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  48. Thank you for sharing Kim. Although I am not an adoptive mom, I am once again, inspired by your words. Words so truly spoken from the heart.
    I love that you shared because it must surely help others, in a similar position, thinking, "Why is it only me?"
    From a teachers standpoint, I am most fascinated with Harry's take on the sports, etc. It reminds me of when kids first start drawing people and they draw the part that means the most, the largest. To him, age appropriately, he was thinking about himself only and the impact this had on him.
    Anyway - I could go on and on but thanks for sharing this, even if it's only public for a few days. I am so relieved for you that he's verbalizing his previous frustrations and admire him, too, for loving Kate, regardless of his hurt feelings!

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  49. Kim - you support adoption in so many ways! Your heart for the orphan child manifests itself everyday and right now, you are answering God's call on your life to have a heart for the fatherless.

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  50. Kim this post was truly written with sincerity and sheer love! I like the way you are so honest w/your post! You say things that most of us wouldn't be so readily to admit! Change is sometimes difficult, even POSITIVE CHANGE! I love the way Harry was comfortable enough NOW to admit his feelings! God knows truly knows your heart. Thank you for sharing your most personal thoughts on the "other" emotions of adoption, but mostly thank you for being YOU!

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  51. Kim, I always find your honesty so refreshing. Your are wise and kind hearted.The best part is you are an excellent listener. Not everyone "hears" their spouses and childrens' requests and needs. Many blessings on you and yours :)

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  52. I'm quite new to reading your blog but could certainly hear your heart of love for your family! I can't imagine how you must've felt when you had your talk with Harry. I'm sure you were so grateful to hear him open up to you. It sounds like you have a wonderful family.

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  53. Kim

    What a beautiful post, so honest and real. Your family is blessed in so many ways. You have such a huge heart and it inspires me. I'm thinking that at this point in my life (turn 40 next year) that adoption will be something I will want to consider and you have enlightened me on the subject. I don't know the path that God has for me... but I hope that if/when I have a family, I will be as insightful. You have touched many with this post!

    BTW-I love your header, when I comment, I mostly use bloglines and don't see it... it's SO cute!

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  54. When I first started reading this post I thought it was going to end with the announcement that you were adopting a sibling set from Rwanda or something like that, but I love what you wrote. I agree that lots of the literature and discussion on adoption centers on the new child(ren) and parents, and not so much on the children already in the family. I am glad you have your Harry "back" now, and I only just saw your new header. I love it!

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  55. Thanks so much Kim for your honesty and for being real. As we feel our hearts being tugged to start the adoption journey with our family I appreciate your words. Thanks for your honest words this week. God continues to know what I need to hear from others on this journey!
    Blessings
    Julie

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  56. I am SO glad you posted this. We adopted our daughter last year and my then nine year old had and to be honest still has some trouble accepting that he is not the only light of my life. He has made huge strides and honestly loves his sister but still NEEDS so much one on one time to feel loved.

    Thank You.

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  57. I LOVE this post and so appreciate that you shared your insight.

    I feel like I have spent the past week living a trial adoption of sorts and can totally see what Harry spoke of. Our African visitors have so much to learn and you just want to cram it all in. Unfortunately, that is often leaving your other children behind. I see it so clearly!

    Our heart is so big and our home is not. As well, our children would welcome a sibling but I'm sure the enthusiasm would wear off. My heart has been so touched by these children. I have to figure out what to do next to ensure their safekeeping. More to ponder.

    Come over and read about my breakfast today...

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  58. Thank you for sharing your story and the sentiments that so many of us feel! I have had this talk with our friend Erin (To Libby with Love) and have expressed that bringing Bowen home was a positive experience for all of our children (mind you it took some adjusting especially from our youngest at the time)...BUT I have realized that bringing another child home would be very difficult and even detrimental to a couple of the kids. As others have expressed we feel "complete" with our little guy but still have room as you do for more "guests" at our table.

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  59. I am so thankful that you were willing to step out of your comfort zone and post about a very personal and sensitive subject. I'm so glad that you did. Our family will be starting our journey of adoption through China next year. We will be going through the SN program. My youngest son will be around 6 by the time we bring our child home.I never thought about this taking place as we've tried to talk to the boys about adoption and China as much as possible. My oldest son is 6 and he is very excited about us adopting from China. My youngest is almost 4 and doesn't really understand the idea, he just agrees that he wants a baby sister. I am trying to get connected with others who have adopted to gather as much info for me as well as my family as we draw closer to starting our journey. My youngest is obviously the baby and is the one who has spent the most time with me since I became a SAHM. Adoption is all new to us, but we are very excited and appreciate all of the advice and tips we can get! Thanks again. I actually have a blog that I started to document our adoption path, I just haven't finished setting up yet! My blog is elizabethlynch.blogspot.com.

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  60. Love this honest post. Thanks for sharing. I love hearing about your peanuts!

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  61. Thanks for posting something so honest and real. We adopted our daughter when our two sons were 10 and 15. But I remember so many times I didn't have the time or energy for one more thing. It was hard not being able to take care of everyone.

    Like you, I have decided that we will not adopt again. I can't see this for our family.

    I so admire those who feel called to adopt several childre. God bless them!

    I enjoy your blog - having two sons and our China angel. Thanks for your insight.

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  62. Thank you for aharing with us...

    You're a very good mum, always thinking about what's the best for your peanuts and always trying to go far away in your life.
    Love from Spain,
    Belén

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  63. Thank you for sharing this. I worry that our adoption is going to create some intense emotions for our 8 year old. As excited as he is to have a sibling, which he has wanted for years, he's had eight years of pretty much our entire family life evolving around him. I'm hoping our story will be one of joy and quick healing....but pray that God will give us the wisdom to help both our boys adjust if it isn't. Anyway...I so appreciate you sharing this.

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  64. I've love to talk to you about reposting this on a new website being launched this week. Would you consider contributing this blog post to it? You can email me at kelly@wearegraftedin.com
    Thanks!

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Thank you for your kindness.