Labor of Love

This what Miss Kate was doing when I turned my back for a second yesterday! Who knew she could crawl up steps? Not me!

I know that many of the people who stop by this blog are in the process of adopting or have recently adopted a child. I want to share a side of the transition that not a lot of people talk about... the hard side. I have never really opened up like this on my blog before. Mostly I use it as a digital scrapbook of our life and our journey adopting Kate Emerson. But here it goes....

Let me begin my stating that I am not complaining. I love my life. I am very blessed. I sincerely appreciate everything that I have. However, being a Mom to a 10 year old, a 6 year old and a one year old is really overwhelming for me right now. I have hesitated about putting this out there but I feel like maybe it will be helpful to other Moms who feel overwhelmed too. I belong to a group of on-line Moms who have recently adopted babies from China (many are first time Moms) and they have wondered why no one ever told them how hard it is. I thought long and hard about this. First, I think we do try to "warn" women about to become Moms but most of us think we can handle anything. I also think a lot of Moms walk around feeling isolated and tired and bored (yes, it is boring sometimes) but they don't want to admit it to each other. Finally, I think that even if people tell you how hard it is, you don't know until you're in it.

I thought that since Kate is our third child, I had some clue as to what I was getting into. In some ways I did. But in some ways, I didn't. I had no idea how having three kids at completely different developmental stages would pull at me this way. I also had no idea how being 10 years older than I was when I first had Will would impact me. Sometimes, I am more patient and experienced but at other times, I just feel tired and old.

Kate is in that really tough stage where she is cruising and trying to walk and sticking her little fingers into electrical outlets. So, I cannot turn my back for one second. This leaves little time to play with, read to and hang out with the older boys let alone cook dinner or call a friend. My once very clean and organized house is now messy. I used to cook healthy meals from scratch. We eat at the pool a lot now. I used to have lunch with friends, chat on the phone, etc. My friendships have fallen by the wayside a bit. I have turned into that Mom who cannot get a shower before noon on some days and cannot finish her sentences (or blog postings).Would I trade any of it to go back to life before Kate? Not for one second! But the reality is that this mothering thing is hard work. It is okay to feel that and it is okay to talk about it to other Moms.

I think that the tough reality of mothering to an adopted child presents its own unique challenges. For example, we waited SO long to welcome these babies into our lives. We played the scenes over and over in our heads about how it would be. So, when it is hard and we miss a little bit of our old freedom, we feel guilty.

Also, I feel as though I have 10 months to "make up" for with Kate. By this age, I let Will and Harry "cry it out" sometimes. I never let Kate do that. It is imperative that I earn her trust. I must meet her every need right now to do that. When Will was 10 days old, Dave and I began having a "date night" every week. We thought it was really important for our marriage (and we still think it is important). But, we have not had a date since the end of March! We just felt like Kate had to know that we were her parents and that we would meet all of her needs before we left her with a sitter at night. I know that while all of this is harder on us in the short run, it is essential for her emotional health in the long run.

I just wanted people who are about to go down this road to tuck this away in your head. While our children are the greatest blessing, it is hard work and some days are harder than others. This too shall pass and I am sure one day soon, I will say "where did my little ones go?" I am sure one day I will even wish to have this chaos back again:)