Read this...

Thursday, April 29, 2010

If you have adopted a child from another country, I encourage you to read these two posts. Melissa has opened my eyes to some things I had never thought about before. I believe that her experiences will really help me be a better Mom to Kate. I think as Americans and as parents we can be so egocentric that we miss the loss and grief that are inevitable in our adopted child's heart. As a Mother who loves my children with all of her soul, I don't want to do that.

You might not agree with what she writes but I ask you to open your mind just to read. It is a perspective we often do not consider. I promise you will take away something.

The posts are here and here.


18 comments:

  1. Kim,
    First, thanks for posting the links. Open dialogue is always a good thing! I am not going to share my opinion but I would like to say that in reading this woman's post it would be good to keep in mind that she grew up in a family that did not communicate with her about her adoption. She says herself that much of her pain comes from this.
    Just something to think about.

    ~Lynn

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  2. Wow! You were so right to share this. I read deeper into this blog and was astounded by the first letter she received from her birth mother and aunt. What a gift.

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  3. Melissa's blog is just so full and rich... so much can be gleaned from listening to her voice. Thanks for sharing those links.

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  4. Like Lynn, I am not going to share my opinion but to say that our daughter is 18 years old now. We adopted her from Peru when she was 6 weeks old. We have been very open about her adoption since day one. We celebrate "Gotcha Day" every year. It is very special to her and to us as parents. We have had no problems at all with her being adopted.

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  5. Thank you, Morgan! Can your daughter start a blog? :)I did open my mind, and I did read, but I will be keeping my opinion to myself on this entry also. I think I'll just scroll down and look at that darling little ballerina! :) Man, she's cute!

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  6. Thank you for linking to Melissa. I for one am glad that we have people like Melissa who share from the heart about their adoption experience. Our children are going to feel loss at some point and we need to know how best to help them through that. I get angry with AP's dismiss the feelings that are expressed on adult adoptee blogs. Of course, we don't have to agree with everything, but we have to go there. Thank you Kim for sharing these links!

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  7. Kim, thanks for sharing this. I haven't stopped thinking about M's post since I read it. While I'm not a fan of "Gotcha", I do think it's a wonderful day worth celebrating. That's not to say the day or the events leading to that day were without trials and tradegdy. I just feel like it was ordained by God. I thought a lot about Easter. We celebrate Easter , but the events leading to that day were unspeakable. I don't understand why it had to be that way, but it was ordained by God. He knows... and I take comfort in that. There was victory in that glorious day, however not an Easter goes by that I don't cry and reflect on the negative feelings that are associated with it. I cling to the fact that God knows the plans he has for us and he can take a terrible situation and bring good for those who love and follow him. I respect M for sharing and she has really made me do some searching.

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  8. Thanks for the links...making me think deeply about some things.....

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  9. Kim,

    I really appreciate your posts on 'gotcha day' and for linking to M's blog. Definitely food for thought.

    We have until August to decide how to handle Sophie's first 'forever family day'....and prior to reading any of these posts...I have to say, whenever I think about celebrating the anniversary, honestly my most primary emotion is anxiety. It was definitely NOT a joyous day, by any means, for Sophie.

    I have to say 'thank you' for helping me feel not so 'bad' for not wanting to make a big deal out of this day. I think IF we were to 'mark' any day, it would be the day we arrived home...when the boys met their sister, and we truly started to bond as a family of 5.

    God bless,
    Tami

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  10. A good thing to read anothers point of view, but I will be keeping my opinion to myself on this entry also.

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  11. Kim,

    Thank you so much for posting this. It is important for many reasons and on many levels. It encourages me to think outside my own brain and heart, consider and ultimately re-consider my own thoughts and practices. Ihave to admit, I think this is one of those gray areas that we all struggle with and all come away with something different depending upon our children, our families, our own upbringings.

    With a large following, you (and therein your blog) have a voice...thank you for using that voice for awareness and cohesion rather than division. Your encouragement to the adoption community is not to do it all the same, but to take seriously every and any vantage point to best parent our child(ren). We have been so open and honest with Hannah, I want to believe my own heart would be open and honest enough to look at things from different perspectives.

    Have a wonderful weekend!
    Love,
    Heather

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  12. Thanks for linking to these posts, Kim. I appreciate the perspective, and I did take some things away from each of them. I have a mere 2 months before we celebrate our first anniversary as a family. I don't really like the term "gotcha day" and I think we might use simply "family day" or something similar. On another note, ballerina Kate is too adorable for words.

    Gin =)

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  13. Thanks again for sharing information on this subject! I like your honesty & openness with Kate and hope that we reflect the same at our house ;)

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  14. Kim, I am sorry you've had negative comments. I recently experienced this on my blog too for different reasons, but I was surprised and was so hurt. I just wanted you to know that I too am grateful for adult adoptees who have the courage to share. We definitely as APs need to read this and listen and process and stretch ourselves. I wrote a post on NHBO blog recently about the LOSSES our waiting son has experienced and will experience when we adopt him. They are VERY REAL.

    As for blogging, it is hard to be everything to everybody, impossible, so I've decided to just continue being myself which in reality is a broken, sinful, sometimes even angry and bitter, though most days are filled with joy. Thank you for keeping it real.

    Leslie

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  15. For us - we will recognize differently, as each of our adopted daughters has a different personality and a different story. We will strive to keep communication open and make sure that we encourage them to talk about their adoptions, but I do not want the first thing they think about themselves to be is "I'm adopted" - because they are so much more.

    My younger daughter is 3 and has been home 22 months - abandoned the day she was born,. When she & I went to China to pick up her older sister in January, and I told her I had made the same trip for her, she told me "i'm not from China momma". My older daughter is 4 1/2, and spent the last 2 years in an orphanage that treated her horribly. Her grief is very different than her sisters. We will never deny their grief, but I will also not allow them as they get older to wallow in it or let it define who they are.

    My daughters have pieces of their lives that are tragic and unknown - except to their Heavenly Father, who raised beauty form the ashes of their grief. If I can do only one thing well as their mother, it will be to cultivate a deep and sincere faith in that Heavenly Father and rest in knowing that while they don't know - He does.

    Thanks Kim for stepping out and opening up this conversation - it's a hard one to have, and the realities of our children's beginnings and their loss are very real and should not be brushed aside.

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  16. I am thankful for the links. I have read Melissa's blog before and think she is great. What a wonderful resource for those of us trying to make our way. I don't know what I think about Gotcha Day yet, but I'm grateful for other perspectives.

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  17. thank you Kim. i think it is so important for APs to embrace as many perspectives as possible. these were great.

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  18. I feel blessed to have found your blog and in turn to have found Melissa's blog. Thank you for sharing. I think we can glean much wisdom from her. Whether it's comfortable or not!! I'm a new follower!

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Thank you for your kindness.