Treading very muddy waters here

This post is tough. I know people will have strong reactions. I appreciate that, but please be respectful in your comments. I will likely delete this post or make it a draft in a few weeks. I do not want Kate to read it someday. These are conversations that will be so difficult and hopefully a long way off in the future.

After my last post, several people asked me in comments or e-mails about my thoughts regarding the celebration of "Gothca Day." I personally have never liked that term (gotcha) because I think it dehumanizes such a delicate and emotional (some happy, some tragic) day. So, we call it Forever Family Day. But, I digress.

I was SO INCREDIBLY naive when we adopted Kate. I had no trouble having children but God completely led us to international adoption. I had no big plans of "saving orphans." I knew there were kids who needed homes and we wanted to give one a home. I did not care what color or race that child was. In fact, we originally applied to Korea but they changed their policy right before our referral and our agency suggested we switch to China. I knew little about Chinese adoption, very little.

I remember the social worker asking us how we would include Kate's heritage in her upbringing and I looked blankly at Dave and said, "Uh....uhhh...?" The social worker quickly offered up suggestions of decorating her room with Chinese art, celebrating Chinese New year, etc. I said, "Oh yeah, we'll do that stuff too." Honestly, I knew very little about adopting a child of a different race back then.

I had a beautiful story in my mind to share with Kate one day. It was the fairy tale many of us want to believe....that her parents wanted her desperately but because of the one child policy, they could not keep her. They loved her so much though that they gently placed her on the medical center steps in her town. They risked a lot (imprisonment) by doing this but they wanted her to be found so that she would be cared for and possibly adopted by a family like ours. (This is the typical story the adoption agency conveys to adoptive parents as well).

I had grand plans of celebrating the day Kate joined our family every year. We would have cake and a special dinner and she would get a gift (usually something special Dave bought when he traveled to China to bring her home). But then I learned a lot. I read about attachment. I read blogs of adult adoptees. I read about the corruption in Chinese adoptions. I read how other adoptive Moms were handling these issues (thanks T and Tonguu Mama).

I realized that what was a glorious and miraculous day for us was a very painful day for Kate. She left a foster Mom who had cared for her in her home for 10 months. Kate loved that woman. She was her Mom. Kate left her birth country, her heritage, her extended family. Yes, she was only 10 months old but it was still a sad day of loss for her. If you have any doubts, look at the photos in the last post. She does not look happy. I know my daughter now and I know the look of fear that was on her face in all of the photos of that day.

We don't know if Kate was left to be found, abandoned, stolen or sold. The truth is no one who adopts a healthy baby from China these days can really know. Yes, healthy babies are being stolen and sold to keep up with the growing demands of adoption. These babies are being adopted every day. That KILLS me. I have shed millions of tears over it. I have been physically ill from this news. If I had known that was happening when we adopted Kate, I do not think I could have adopted from China. I knew about the Hunan scandal and almost ended our application back then. However, our agency assured us that the responsible parties were in prison and the Hunan province was shut down when we got our referral. I told Dave that I could not tuck my daughter in every night and wonder if her parents had really abandoned her or not. I try my best not to think about it everyday because it makes me physically ill and depressed.

I do know that God had a plan for Kate and that she is exactly where she is supposed to be. The beginning of her story might not be pretty but it has a beautiful ending. She belongs in our family. She is loved fiercely by two brothers, a Daddy who adores her and a Mommy who loves her to pieces. She is one of us. She is completely a "ourlastnamehere."

So, to sum it all up, the reasons I think we will not make a big deal out of our forever family day are

1. Since the circumstances in which Kate came to our family may be painful for us and for her someday (and possibly corrupt) it is probably best not to make a party out of it.

2. Making a big celebration emphasizes how she joined our family in a different way than her brothers. I do not want Kate to feel even more different than she probably already will.

I will never ignore who Kate is or how she joined our family. We talk about it a lot. She tells people that when she was a tiny baby she lived in China and that we adopted her. But I see no value in drawing attention to that day as a family right now.

I am not judging anyone who does celebrate. Really, I mean that. We did the last two years. It is just that after reading some expert opinions on this topic, Dave and I no longer felt comfortable making a big deal out of this day. Again, I ask that people be sensitive in their comments. We can learn from one another but please let's not be hurtful. I could not bear it. This whole thing hurts enough.