A huge Ah-hah! moment for me

Luckily, our children are all pretty well behaved for other people.  However, one of our children is especially adored by everyone he meets. Teachers, coaches, parents, babysitters, camp counselors...you name it, they adore him.  He is very charismatic. He wins every award there is for being a good student/classmate/teammate/camper/Christian/citizen.  If there is an award, he is the winner.  However, Mr. Award winner would often display less than winning behavior at home.  He would talk back very disrespectfully to me and my husband.  He would rage and throw fits sometimes.  It really tried my patience and it went on and off  for a couple of years.  Whenever I tried to confide in someone about his behavior, they stared at me in utter disbelief and responded by saying, "Not Mr. polite, hard working, award winner?! That is so unlike him." I definitely I had a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde situation going on.

We tried everything.  I tried the Smart Discipline charts.  I took away consequences.  I yelled. I even took said child to a therapist last year.  No one else saw his outbursts. No one else even believed that he had outbursts. In fact, I think the therapist thought Dave and I were making it all up. Like everyone else, she fell in love with the child. I fired her.

Just a few weeks ago, I was at my wits end again.  The talking back had gotten completely out of hand. In desperation, I pulled out my favorite books on discipline.  Something led me to an old standby (8 weeks to a well behaved child).  While re-reading some of the chapters I had an epiphany.  I realized that when my son talks back disrespectfully to me, I drop everything that I am doing and give him my full attention.  It is negative attention for sure but it is attention nonetheless.   I do not tolerate disrespect so I go to great lengths to address his behavior.  In sum, he was getting A LOT of one on one attention for being disrespectful at home.

I went on to realize that "Mr. Awards" is so well behaved elsewhere because he is lavishly rewarded for being good (at school, camp, church etc).  I expect my children to behave at home and while I do praise them sometimes, I don't lay it on too thick.  This particular child responds to attention and praise (he even told me it is his love language) but I was giving attention to the wrong behavior. 

So I had to do something that felt so instinctually wrong to me.  I had to completely and utterly ignore his talking back and disrespect.  I did not blink.  I did not punish or take away privileges. I totally ignored his outbursts. Sometimes, he would repeat his attitude filled responses but I prevailed.  I ignored.  Then, I would start throwing around lavish praise for anything I saw him doing well.  "I love the way you put your dishes in the dishwasher after breakfast, young man." "Thank you for brushing your teeth the  first time I asked." Guess what? It has only been a little over a week, but the talking back has almost disappeared.  He is so much easier and his little face glows whenever I praise him for doing what I was expecting from him all along.  I never in a million years would have thought that ignoring disrespectful behavior would yield more respectful behavior but for this particular child, it was the answer.

I hope this helps someone else out there.