It might help you to know.

It might help you to know we had a small-ish faux Christmas tree in our playroom that  just came down the other day.  On February 22nd y'all!  Looooong after the Epiphany.  It might help you to know that the Valentine decorations are still up. You see, like you, I'm struggling.  I am struggling to figure out how God wants me to spend these hours that are a precious gift from Him each day.  I'm struggling to be a good wife, a good Mom, a good friend, a good daughter, a decent housekeeper, a good speaker and counselor, and a good Christian. And I constantly run out of time each day never getting it all done.

I'm overcommitted to work and volunteering and Bible studies and relationships. My expectations for myself are way too high.  I am floundering trying to prioritize exactly what matters most.  Aren't we all?  And while I flounder, clean laundry sits in a pile begging to be folded and put away.  Junk mail multiplies on my dining room table and I fall into bed each evening drained beyond exhaustion.  This is especially difficult for me to reconcile as I have been a "neat freak" for most of my adult life. But my house is a mess.  I am a mess. I am trying so hard to "do it all" that I am not doing any of it very well. That makes me afraid that I am letting people down constantly. I probably am.

I am trying to find balance among what I need to do every day and what I am meant to do. And I fall short every single day.  And I know this is a luxury of sorts to even contemplate.  But this is not about a job or "me time." This is not about being a stay at home Mom or a working Mom.  It's not a debate.  I do both.  Both are valuable.  Case closed. This is about a purpose. And about using my time here on earth wisely.

I heard someone say that your mission is what you are passionate about and using that to serve others.  I think about that a lot.  Am I using my God given gifts and passion to serve others enough?  too much? Am I serving other families at the expense of my own? I sure hope not because I want nothing more than to raise a good family.

When I am giving talks or writing about marriage and parenting...I know that is my mission.  But I also know that it is hard work.  It is hard to prepare talks about parenting and present them on school nights (missing family dinners sometimes) and BE a good parent.  It is hard to counsel others about their marriages yet still find the time, energy and motivation to work on my own marriage.  There are days I feel like quitting.  But what part can I quit?

A friend recently shared this beautiful quote with me.

When I think about that quote it seems so simple.  My deep gladness is relationships...my own and helping others strengthen theirs. One of the world's deep hungers is relationships too.  I guess that is my corner.

As I was typing this post, a friend texted me asking for some parenting advice.  I chuckled to myself.  It was as if God was tapping me on the shoulder reminding me of the place HE is calling me to.

The reason I am sharing this is that every woman I talk to lately has told me she feels pulled between her family and her "work."  That she feels like she cannot do it all well.  You are not alone. We are all struggling to find purpose and balance (even those who look like they've found it). Picture that corner where your gladness, joy and talent meet a need of others and you will find your place.

P.S.  I've gotten some sweet e-mails lately here and at The Nurtured Home telling me that people miss my blogging.  I miss blogging too.  The truth is I am working so hard to have a nurtured home that there is not a lot of time left over to write here or on the Nurtured Home.  I'm a work in progress and I am hoping to be posting more.  Thank you for your kind messages.

A dream come true

{the photo has nothing to do with the post but I took it last night and wanted to post it }

I am so excited that I am almost at a loss for words y'all. Don't worry.  I'll find some. I always do.

Some of you probably have no idea that I have a professional life too because I rarely talk about it (on the blog or in person).  But I have had my Ph.D. for almost 20 years now. I earned my degrees (and yes, if you're doing the math I was 12 ha!) in Marriage and Family Communication and then did a ton of post doc work in counseling.  I was a professor and researcher for many years.  I have published journal articles and a book chapter and I have even won awards for my research on gender differences. And on and off for all these 20 years, I have given workshops, talks and seminars on marriage, family and parenting.  I am also a marriage, parenting and life coach.  There have been some years that I have not worked a lot as I focused on the kids but I have always done some work in this field.

 For as long as I can remember, the one thing I have always wanted to do was be on a radio show where I would help people with marriage and parenting issues. I envisioned a Dr. Laura type show (but I would be warm, attentive and compassionate).  I have always envisioned helping people with problems that troubled them but might not warrant therapy sessions. It has truly been THE thing I have wanted to do my whole life. I even posted about it here 4 and 1/2 years ago.

Well my sweet, wise and encouraging friend Sibi of Pearls and Grace hosts a Christian show on BlogTalkRadio each Monday night. She is incredible!! Sibi is a loving wife and a Mom to six beautiful children.  She is a gifted writer and spiritual speaker.  She has helped many women through her blog and the Pearl Events that she hosts.  Sibi has graciously invited me to be her guest for 2 weeks. Tonight (Monday 9/10) we will talk about marriage.  We know so many people who are really struggling with their marriages.  Our topic is taking your marriage from auto-pilot to intentional.  So, if you think you could use some inspiration for making your marriage stronger, happier and more intentional, please tune in.  Next Monday night, we will be tackling motherhood and parenting issues.  I am just so excited.

So, please tune in TONIGHT (9/10) at  9 p.m. {central time} on the link below.

Marriage ~ Moving From Autopilot To Intentional 09/10 by The Pearl | Blog Talk Radio

You click on the link and listen on your computer.

You can even call in with questions or ask questions after the show on Facebook or Twitter.  I really hope you'll tune in. Sibi is so wise and I really hope we can help some people out there.

16 years

Today is our 16th wedding anniversary.  As I have learned from being married and from being a marriage counselor/coach, there is no such thing as a perfect marriage.  But I can say that Dave is truly the perfect match for me.  Yes, we argue sometimes and yes, we get on each other's nerves sometimes but there is no one else in the world I would rather walk through life with.  Dave is an incredible husband.  We have this great system of teamwork.  We both know what the other is good at and we don't seem to jockey for power.

Love is work.  I have blogged about that before.  Love is not just a feeling.  It is an action. Too many people give up when the feelings go away and that makes me so sad. Dave and I decide to love each other every day.  Some days we decide better than other days but we keep on going. We keep on trying. And I can honestly say that although life has thrown us some tough curve balls, it has been pretty easy to decide to love this man everyday. I hope it always is. He is as good as it gets.

Dave often teases me that I see things through rose colored glasses and maybe I do.  But I also think that focusing on the good in your marriage and the good in your life and being truly grateful really helps too. I am SO grateful for my life and my family.  In fact, sometimes I feel overwhelmed with gratitude.

Happy Anniversary Dave.  You make me feel like the luckiest girl in the world!!!!

To see photos of our wedding day click here.

Model Marriage?

The more you invest in a marriage, the more valuable it becomes.
~Amy Grant

I wrote my doctoral dissertation on maintaining marriage throughout the life cycle. This subject was and is my passion. For years, I taught, counseled and gave seminars on how to maintain a healthy marriage. One of the points I used to stress is that you MUST PUT YOUR MARRIAGE FIRST (after God, of course). People would gasp in horror and disbelief when I told them that kids should come second. The best gift you can give your kids is a model for a good marriage, REALLY!

And for years, Dave and I really did put our marriage first. We had a date night every single week (since Will was 10 days old). And we would go away for over night trips occasionally too. We mentally and realistically put our marriage first.

Then, we adopted Kate. And it was hard to leave her with a sitter. She had some attachment hiccups. She would not go to sleep for babysitters. We moved and had to start from square one building up trust with a sitter. We got out of the weekly habit of our date nights and we have not spent an entire (overnight) night away from our kids in over 3 years. It is not Kate's fault at all. It is ours.

I am failing miserably at what I preached for so many years. We have fallen into the lazy routine of doing all the kid activities and not making time for our own relationship. Luckily, Dave and I are (and have usually been) on the same page about most things in life. Our marriage is good even when it is not great. Does that make sense? We don't have to work too hard at it. BUT still, we should.

Yesterday, I was talking to a good friend who told me that she wants her children to someday look at her marriage and say, "I want a great marriage like my Mom and Dad have." WOW. That struck me. I think Dave and I have a good marriage but do we put each other down sometimes? Yup. Do I snap at him for silly reasons? Yup. Do we seem really happy to our kids? Not sure. I hope so.

I have thought a lot about this and I realized that yes, our life is very busy. It is hard (and expensive) to get babysitters. And yes, we can put our marriage on the back shelf and it will keep going (God willing). But we really OUGHT to do better. We ought to make more of an effort to model for our children what a really good marriage looks like. We ought to continually show them what it looks like to treat each other with the utmost respect. We ought to show them that is is okay and even healthy to take time for ourselves as a couple. We deserve that and so do they.

So, I am going to start making some changes around here. I am going to plan a night away from the kids (anyone want to watch some peanuts?). This year we will celebrate our 15th wedding anniversary. I want my kids to look at us on their wedding day and be proud that their parents have a great and happy marriage. I want them to tell their spouses, "I hope we are as happy as my Mom and Dad are!" In fact, I hope someday they read this post and realize that you have to make a conscious effort to put your marriage first. It doesn't just take care of itself.

How about you? Are you modeling a good marriage for your children?

Love is not something you feel. It's something you do.
~David Wilkerson