First Day and Transitions

We are definitely experiencing some growing pains in our house.  Will started high school and while he loves it, it has been a BIG transition. He knew very few kids going into his new school and it is academically very rigorous. Some of the things they are doing his freshmen year are things I did in college (no kidding).  Luckily, he seems to be rising to the challenge and keeping up so far.

Today is the first day of school for Harry and Kate.  You might remember my concern about giving Kate an extra year of pre-school and then kindergarten as I have blogged about it over the past few years.  Well, we DID decide to give her the gift of an extra year of kindergarten.  She was not happy about our decision at first. She repeatedly told me she was going to be " SO embarrassed" in front of her friends.  I let her feel how she felt even though I told her it was nothing she did.  She is just "young."  I knew that the long term benefits of the extra year would FAR outweigh the short term costs of some embarrassment.

Kate is so sweet and carefree.  Aside from reading, she has very little interest in academics yet. She wants to paint and dance and pretend play.  Developmentally, she did not seem ready for 1st grade.  We are at a very advanced IB school.  The school is a great fit for Kate but you need to be really focused in 1st grade. And she was one of the youngest in her class last year.  Luckily, we had experience on our side as we gave Will an extra year way back in kinder too and it was the best decision. He is a summer birthday too. We can really see how much it benefitted him even though it was for somewhat different reasons.  I think it can be very hard to be a summer baby!

Well, this morning Kate told me she was SO GLAD that she was doing another year of kindergarten.  She specifically stated her excitement at treasure chest, free centers, recess and all the things that make kindergarten so special. She got one of her favorite teachers (the one she thinks smells like champagne--it's actually patchouli).  She is ready to be a leader this year and I think that will be so good for her!

Three children at three different schools in completely different parts of town (and they all start and end at the same time) sure can make life challenging.  So, we were very rushed taking first day photos.  And no one really wanted to take them....

Harry is starting middle school today.  Most of his friends will be going to the middle school just down the street.  But Harry applied and was accepted into a magnet program at a different school. It is really an accomplishment to get into this program and we have waffled back and forth whether to do it or not but he finally decided (like a few days ago) to rise to the challenge.  This year, he will have an introductory course of Chinese, Italian, Latin, Spanish, and French in addition to his Pre-Ap courses.  He is very nervous and none of his friends are in this program.  I know he will be fine but he has seemed very anxious and that is hard for me to watch.  He is usually so self assured.  I have been praying for him like crazy.

Harry is also really struggling with migraines.  All summer he has been getting about 2-3 per week and they are really bad. If you would not mind saying a few prayers, I would be so grateful.  We are headed back to the neurologist soon but there is little they can do for them at this age.

Dia del Nino

In Latin American countries, April 30th is considered the day of the child.  Just as we celebrate Mother's and Father's day, they celebrate children on this special day. In kindergarten, at Kate's International Baccalaureate school, they celebrate the day of the child too.  Luckily, my Mom was able to spend a little time that morning with me helping out at the celebration.

The children rotated among all the classrooms doing different activities throughout the day.  First, we helped them make colorful tissue paper flower bracelets...

Kate and her Mimi

Then we went outside and they planted a lima bean in a cup.

Then they danced...

They did the chicken dance which I think is a super fun dance.

They also had pinatas and other fun things but we had to leave and I did not get photos of the rest of the celebration!  Kate's lil face was so sad when she had to say goodbye to Mimi.  It broke my heart.  Thanks Mimi for coming to visit:)

Spring is in the hair

{Harry wanted to wear blue hairspray (school colors) to school on Friday and I let him.  Will did this too.  You have to see it here.}

The next month is going to be so crazy around here.  Both boys are "graduating" or moving on from their schools this year and with that comes tons of end of year stuff. There are special field trips, awards ceremonies, year book signing parties, music programs, a ballet recital, a violin concert.  I am not kidding when I tell you that the next month is completely packed.  I feel so anxious just thinking about it.

Harry is leaving his elementary school and heading to middle school.  He is SO ready.  His school in an international baccalaureate program so they do an exhibition project at the end of 5th grade.  The exhibition is a collaborative inquiry project that incorporates all the primary year principals they have learned.  The children choose real life issues and try to make some impact in the community at large.  It is exciting to see the kids incorporate all that they have learned into a practical learning experience.  I cannot wait to see what he does.

Will is doing an 8th grade dissertation and he is very ready to move on too.  He is applying for summer jobs, looking into drivers's ed (YIKES!) and participating in a junior lifeguard program this summer.  He is really excited about high school.

Both the boys have Spring fever in that they have kind of "checked out" of school.  They really just want to hang out with their friends and have fun.  I remember those days:)

And Miss Kate....well she is doing just fine.  We have decided to repeat kindergarten next year though.  I posted about my hesitancy to send her to kindergarten this year (here and here).  Overall, I am glad we went forward with kinder this year because it was the only year of her entire life she could ever go to school with one of her brothers.  It has been very nice watching them walk the halls together.  Harry has had opportunities to be in Kate's class helping with things.  It has been very special.  In fact, I cannot imagine her there next year without him.  When I told Kate that her Habu was going to middle school next year, she was very sad.  She said, "But Mama he is not tall enough yet." 

And Kate has grown tremendously this year.  She is finally finding her voice (slowly but surely) and she is learning how to be her sweet self AND stick up for herself too!!  Boy, have we worked hard on that one.

But the bottom line is... Kate is young.  She is a happy-go-lucky 5 year old girl who sees the best in everyone and everything.  She just wants to dance and sing and paint and laugh.  The school day is LONG for her.  She is not super interested yet in academics.  And our neighborhood public school (which we love) is very rigorous.  At this point in kindergarten, Kate is expected to write 7 sentences in her writer's journal with capitalization and punctuation each morning.  Most days she does it (albeit spelling phonetically) but it is a struggle.  They are counting to 100 by 2's and 5's and that is a bit abstract for her.  She struggles with that.  She also struggles with multi step projects and kind of shuts down.

Also, Kate is so optimistic and naive that some things just go right over her head.  I think it will benefit her socially and emotionally to be a little older and more confident as she navigates school.  In all honesty, none of us (me, Dave or Kate) really want her to repeat kindergarten.  Dave and I are no spring chickens, y'all!    We are ready to move on.  Will is going to be in college and Kate will still be in 3rd or 4th grade!  This will be our 5TH go around with kinder (which is very parent involved at our school).  Will did kinder twice, Harry did it once and now Kate is doing it twice.  But, after lots of discussion with Kate's teacher and some other well informed professionals, we have to do what is best for her.  And we know deep down, it is best to give Kate another year.

The other day I was in the classroom and the teacher said to the kids...Y'all are almost 1st graders now. Kate turned to me with panic on her face and said, "Uh-oh Mama.  I don't read well enough for 1st grade yet! We better hurry!"  I reminded her that we are in NO HURRY at all because she gets to do kindergarten again.  Her shoulders relaxed and she sighed and said "Oh that's right."  I told her she was exactly where she should be and that school is not a race. The truth is Kate's reading is right on track for 1st grade but she feels behind (probably because she is behind in other ways).  She feels young and I do not want her to feel that her whole life.

The book Outliers has an excellent first chapter for anyone considering holding a child back. I will tell you that it made some excellent points and they helped influence our decision a little bit.

Sorry this was so long but I know a lot of people have asked me this year about our decision with Kate and I wanted to share this.  Next Saturday is Kate's birthday party (early) and my Mom is flying in for a visit so I have a ton to do this week.  Wish me luck!

(As an aside....for those of you just planning to start your families...don't have summer babies! I LOVE my summer babies BUT I remember the struggles figuring out what was best for Will and now Kate.  It is just easier if kids are born in the Fall!)

First , Do no harm.

Kate Emerson Ru Ourlastname is not perfect.  She takes forever to eat her dinner (and has become quite a finicky eater).  She can throw a fit like nobody's business when she  has finally reached her limit of being told "no.".  She has great difficulty with the number 6 for some reason.  And she'll take to whining when she is tired (she gets that from me I think;).

But really, the girl is full of JOY.   She literally dances through life. I am not even kidding.  EVERY SINGLE DAY she says it is the best day ever!   Our friends have begun to make a joke of it even.  She is the definition of an optimist. And I love that about her.

She does not know how to be mean.  She is nice to everyone.  Unfortunately, not every little girl is nice to her.  In fact, one of the things her teacher has told me this year is that not only does Kate not know HOW to stick up for herself but she does not even know WHEN she should stick up for herself.  She is kind of oblivious. I would not say that Kate is a pushover or a doormat.  I would simply say that she is trusting and she is innocent and she is sweet. One little girl has manipulated Kate a lot this year at school and I have predominantly stayed out of it but tried really hard to teach Kate how to be assertive and to find other friends more like herself.  But Kate (bless her heart) sees the best in everyone and I really don't want to change that.

The other day Kate said, "Mama, maybe I should tell "queen bee" (not her real name) about Dale."

ME: Dale?

KATE: Yes, she might not know about Dale.

ME: Who is Dale honey?

Kate:  You know Dale Mama!

Here I am wracking my brain thinking that my hypochondriacal early onset Alzheimer's is rearing its ugly head again.

ME: No, what is Dale, honey?

KATE: You know that place that you go if you don't go to heaven. Dale.  It rhymes with JAIL!

Me: (Laughing)  Oh honey.  That is called Hell. (I guess the way we say it in the south it could rhyme with jail!)

Kate: Yeah, I am gonna tell queen bee about hell cause she might not know about it and maybe she'll be nicer if she does.

Me: Maybe we should not talk about hell in kindergarten, Kate.

I can honestly say that it seems Kate is learning to finally stick up for herself a little bit.  Her teacher told me she asserted herself last week in violin with a girl who has been tormenting her all year.  The girl shoved a stinky sponge in Kate's face after Kate had repeatedly asked her politely not to (according to both Kate and the teacher).  Kate had told her several times to stop.  She then said something completely inappropriate to the situation but we were so proud of her for finally finding her voice!  And we rehearsed more appropriate ways to handle it next time.

I was reading a fabulous book recently (more about it soon) and during a eulogy of sorts one character describes another as someone who might not have made an indelible mark on the world but she lived like a physicians oath, "First, do no harm."  That is a beautiful way to live.  That is the way my daughter lives and I hope she always does.

The Mom I want to be

I am shouldering a certain level of stress.  There are a lot of things in our life that are undecided or up in the air right now.  Admittedly, I don't do very well with that.  None of it is terribly serious (except maybe one) but still I feel burdened.  So, Monday was a very harried afternoon. I had to get supplies and help Kate do her 100 day project, pick up some friends from school, finish cooking dinner, get Will's friend from school and drive Will and friend to swim team, get Kate and Harry fed and dressed for Judo.  I had to do about 90 things in a matter of an hour and a half.  So, I was a little snappy.

When we got home from school and Hobby Lobby, Harry asked for a snack.  I quickly told him he could have fruit (he did not like that answer).  He sat at the kitchen table and quietly cried while he peeled his banana.  I asked him what was wrong. I honestly thought he was upset because I made him have a healthy snack.  He replied, "All you have done since you picked us up from school today is yell at me and Kate."  I quickly defended myself saying, "I have not yelled once."  And technically, I had not yelled (not like I sometimes do). I was hurrying them along and I was short and aggravated with them but I was not really yelling.  I continued to do the dishes for a minute all the while defending myself in my own thoughts.  Then, I stopped and sat at the table with Harry and looked him in the eye and apologized.  I explained to him that sometimes it is really hard being a Mom and I am so sorry that I took my own stress out on him and Kate.  I was embarrassed.  I was humbled.  I DO NOT want to be that Mom.  I do not want to snap at my kids because I am overwhelmed.  It is not their fault that I am having trouble keeping it all going.  It is mine.

Last night Harry asked me if I would come up to school and have lunch with him today.  I am not sure if it is me he wants or the Chic-fil-A I will be bringing him.  But you know what?  It doesn't matter.  My son wants to eat lunch with his Mom at school today and I am making the time to do that with him. THAT is the Mom I want to be.

Here is a little prayer a friend shared with our Mom's group this week. She ironically shared it Monday morning....

Instead of feeling overwrought with demands to the point of being
overwhelmed, feel the overflowing joy that comes from daily life in the
midst of a hustling, bustling family. The two halves make one marvelous
whole of God's balance.

You can find this prayer and more in A Mother's Daily Prayer Book.

And Kate did a splendid job on her 100 day project.  I had to leave to drive Will and she made 10 fans of 10 craft sticks all on her own.  So proud of her diligence.

She is trying to write her name in "cursive."  Now, I am off to Chic-fil-A and lunch with my Harry:)

Follow-up

Thank you for the input and perspectives on my last post.  I appreciated every single one.  They all made me think. I especially thank Gale, the veteran kindergarten teacher for her insight.

 Just to update....

~The reason I have not spoken to the girl's Mom is three-fold.  First, I do not know the Mom at all.  And I am not sure how I could possibly communicate the manipulation that I have observed to someone I do not know.  It would be a very uncomfortable conversation for any Mom to hear.  And I suspect she kind of knows her daughter's behavior.  Several other Mom's have mentioned it to me and it is only the 3rd or 4th week of school.

Secondly, there are "queen bees" everywhere in life.  I feel like my time and energy is best spent teaching/modeling for my children (and Kate especially at this point) how to be a good, loving and compassionate friend.  We cannot really change others but we can change how we react or deal with others.  I am also having play-dates with some boys and girls in the class that treat Kate respectfully (as a few people suggested in comments and e-mails).  It is SO hard to squeeze in play-dates with our schedule of homework, sports, music, dance and family time but I am trying.

Finally, if I approach the girl's Mom and she gets really angry and defensive... I still have to interact with her for the next 6 years.  I do not want drama.  I am trying to teach my kids to avoid drama. She is not going to change her daughter.  So at this point, I am not going to talk to her.  If things escalate and I feel like it could be productive, I might change my mind.  

~  I have not spoken with the teacher yet.  I just have not had the appropriate moment to do so. But I will.  Also, I can see that the teacher is aware of the situation and working on it in her own way.  I am in the classroom working with the kids a few mornings a week and I see that the teacher sees what is going on.  She is an incredible teacher.

~Finally, I am not as worried about Kate as I was.  She is OBLIVIOUS to what this girl is doing.   And she has done more. It goes right over her sweet little head for now.  

Most importantly, I got to see Kate's confident friendship skills in action this week....  A new boy from Korea joined the class this week and my sweet Kate took it upon herself to take him under her wing.  She was so excited to show him where to put his things and how to do his writing journal.  He sits next to her and she told me that she includes him at lunch and at recess.  She felt such compassion for him when he was sad the first few days and she tried to make him feel better.  I was so proud of her.  This is exactly the way I have tried to teach my peanuts to be. Kate has watched Harry welcome new friends from other countries at this school (it is incredibly international) over the years and I am thrilled that she knew just what to do.

I do not care if my kids are the "popular" kids.  I just want them to be the nice kids.  And they are.  Anyone who knows them would tell you that.

Oh and I asked Kate about sitting alone at the lunch table (someone asked if they had assigned seats).  Apparently, they walk in to the cafeteria in a line and sit at a table.  Once a table is full, they start a new table.  Kate had started a new table.  She was not being excluded.  I did not know that so I am glad I asked her.  I totally misinterpreted that situation.

And because I always need to include a photo...I wanted to show you that we have even been able to include Matilda Jane into our uniform rotation.  Did you know Matilda Jane made a few "uniform clothes" this summer?  These navy ruffles are the softest coziest navy knit.  We love them.

{Yes, I started decorating for Fall/Haloween.  I had to do it.}

Also, this week was the International Potluck Dinner at Kate and Harry's school.  Families bring dinner from their country to share.  It was lovely.  We brought "American" food but Kate wanted to wear her Chinese clothes.  She is very proud of her heritage.

Have a lovely Fall weekend.
 I made some yummy fall foods this week and will be back soon to share the recipes/photos/links:)

My Sweet Kindergartner vs. The Queen Bee

I've debated whether or not to post this...but here goes it.  A lot of people have recently asked about my decision to send Kate to kindergarten (since I had considered holding her back and blogged about it) or to give an update about how she is doing.

As far as how we decided to move onto kindergarten....  Lots of the kids in her kindergarten grade are summer birthdays.  I was able to find that out.  I also talked to the kindergarten teachers, 2nd grade and 5th grade teachers at her school and frankly interviewed them about summer birthday girls.  I asked them both how they do academically and socially.  But mostly we saw Kate leap ahead in every way this summer.  She became more confident, more social and more mature.  I also REALLY wanted her to go to school ONE year with one of her brothers.  That might seem silly to some but Harry and Kate are SO SO SO close and this is the only year they could ever go to school together. That was certainly a secondary consideration.  Mostly, we felt she was ready.

As far as how she is doing....

First and foremost. Kate is happy.  She loves her teacher and she is beaming every afternoon when I pick her up.  All the kids say hello to her in the hallway.  And she and the principal have bonded over fashion;)  Even though Kate wears a uniform we have managed to "jazz it up" a bit (as our friend, Lucy would say).  She is doing great with the academic work (although that took a few weeks).

There have been a few bumps/adjustments too.  The first couple of days Kate was trying to make her friends laugh by making bird call noises and inventing new games.  After a couple of warnings from the teacher, she has gotten the gist of things and has not had any color changes.  She also thought one of the daily sight words tasks was tres' boring.  She had no interest in writing the same word over and over in fill in the blank sentences.  We had some chats about how following directions is part of leaning and she is now doing much better.

However, apparently, "mean girl drama" can begin in kindergarten. Just like in most schools... there is a girl who seems to rule the roost.  Said girl (I'll call her QUEEN BEE) decides who can play with whom on the playground.  She tells girls they cannot play in the kitchen at free center time.  She is 6.  Kate just turned 5.  

The other night Kate asked me what day tomorrow is.  I told her Friday. She said , "Oh good, I get to play with "Queen Bee" tomorrow!"  I said, "What do you mean?"  She proceeded to tell me that Queen Bee decides who gets to play with the girls and all week she has told Kate she can play with the girls on Friday!  Are you kidding me?!  In kindergarten?

Of course, I had to seize this teachable moment.  I told Kate she should choose friends who want to play with her every day.  I reminded her of the welcoming, sweet girls in her class and told her to go play with them.  I told her that she should surround herself with the people who want to play with her every day and who are kind and inclusive.  But apparently, Queen Bee has learned how to divide and conquer.  She pulls the girls apart and plays with different ones on different days.  And the girls follow her and listen to her.  

This situation is the major reason I wanted to hold Kate back.  Kate is young and SWEET.  That is the word everyone uses to describe her.  She is a little naive (in a good way I think--but clearly I am not objective here.)   She does not get playground politics.  She is not nearly as manipulative and savvy as Queen Bee (and I am not sure I really want her to be).  I just don't want her to be a puppy waiting for her turn to play with the "popular" girl.  So, I am trying to teach Kate about friendship and assertiveness and including everyone.  It is hard.

Yesterday, I popped in the cafeteria to say hello to Kate at lunch and she was sitting alone at a table.  It BROKE-MY-HEART.   I felt so sad.  But Kate was happy.   She did not seem sad at all.  I went to sit with her for a few minutes and immediately 5 of her classmates said, "Kate's Mom!" and came to sit with us (they probably thought I had treats;).  Ironically, Queen Bee sat right next to Kate.  I chatted with all the kiddos for a few minutes.  Luckily, I know them all as I volunteer in the classroom a bunch.  Then I steered the conversation to recess.  I looked Queen Bee right in the eye and asked if everyone was being included at recess.  She told me "Yes, Kate is my friend."  I was very chipper and upbeat and just reminded all the kids that they should make sure everyone gets to play and that no one is left out.  I know I did not solve the problem but I did let little Queen Bee know that I was on to her.

The begin of the year planner is called "All About me."  I have had a little anxiety about this as there are some sensitive areas that can come up regarding adoption.  But I did find some great resources to share with Kate's teacher.  I wanted to share Kate's projects for this planner...

First, we made a "me doll."  The teacher gave us a template and we were supposed to make it look like them.

For the "All about Me" poster...Kate painted the posterboard pink, chose all the photos, came up with the words (Harry made the wortle on the computer).  She cut some of the stuff out but definitely got bored with that!  

These projects were definitely supposed to be done with lots of parental help.  I normally don't help the kids with these things but these two were supposed to be done as a team.

The teacher had told me that Kate was being very shy in class (which is NOT Kate) but she told me yesterday that Kate completely came out of her shell when presenting her poster.  She told me that she was so animated and excited to talk about it.  She told me that Kate called her brothers "very handsome" as she talked about them.

So all in all, I think we made the right decision although I know it could be years before we really know.  I will be watching carefully all year for any red flags that she needs more time. She can always do two years of kindergarten if we think that is necessary.  We gave Will an extra year of pre-school and it was the right choice for him.

PS.  As a marriage and parenting coach, I HIGHLY recommend this book.  It has been updated to include social networking.  I read the old edition but just bought the new one and I will be re-reading it to help teach Kate how to deal with this stuff.  If you have girls (any ages really) then you should read this book!

Kindergarten Round-up

Yesterday was kindergarten round-up for Kate.  Even though Kate comes with me every single day to pick up Harry at this school and many of the teachers and administrators (and Moms) know her, she was a little nervous.

{All the photos are really poor quality because I only had my point and shoot (which I am not happy with)}

She calmed down a bit when she spotted some of her buddies in the crowd (and got a doughnut).

 Luckily, they asked me to escort one of the groups (Kate's) to the classroom and stay for that portion of the morning. So, I go to see her interact with the current kindergartners and take some photos too.

It was so cute. A few kids came up to Kate and offered to show her around.  They held her hand....so sweet...

At first, Kate did not look happy at all.  I asked her if she was sad or scared and she said, "No. It is just all SO much Mama."  She was overwhelmed.  But within a few minutes, she was doing great!

These girls were showing her baby praying mantis'.  They came running over to me and said, "we made her smile!"  Even they could tell that Kate was overwhelmed at first.

Look at the kindergarten girls hugging and giggling while the little girls sat at the table:)

Kate even got to use the Smartboard.  They are something else.  Kindergarten has sure changed since I was kid.

Kindergarten ended up being a BIG hit. A few of the kinder girls made Kate letters, books and pictures.  And on the way home, Kate said, "Can I go to kindergarten every day, Mama?"