The first time ever I saw your face...

Please pray for my very dear friend, Elissa. She has norovirus and is supposed to have her baby by c-section on Monday. She is very sick. Thank you.

Today is the one year anniversary of our referral for Kate Emerson. I will never forget this day one year ago. I literally buzzed with excitement all day. I sat at my kitchen table reading the Rumor Queen site (a site for people adotping from China) and my Yahoo group as people across the country started getting "THE CALL." I knew we made the cut-off. In fact, we were the first date but my phone was not ringing. Finally, at about 3:00 p.m., I could not take it any longer and I called my agency. I said, "I am so sorry to bother you but I know a lot of agencies have received referrals and I was wondering if you have received a package." Our coordinator said, "Yes, we have." I said, "Oh, okay then I'll hang up and you can call me when you are ready." She said, "I can tell you now, Kim." I did not know what to say. This was not how I had planned it. I was supposed to be getting the call not making the call. Where was my sheet of paper to write everything down?

I began crying immediately and she said, "Kim--I am looking at your daughter and she has the most beautiful face. She has big, full, beautiful cheeks." She continued to tell me all of the details that I had waited for years to hear (birth date, location, etc) I only got the very basics and said, "Please go call the others (in our group) now." I knew they were all waiting as anxiously as I had been.

About two hours later, they e-mailed us Kate's photo. We gathered around my laptop to see her for the first time as a family. I remember feeling very excited but very nervous. What if she looked sad or lonely? How would I endure the next 8-10 weeks until she was home? I had spent years dreaming about what my little girl would look like and that image had changed over the years. Now the time was finally here. I had practiced with the boys showing them referral photos of other families for months. I wanted to prepare them that she might look sad or skinny or even a little sickly (sometimes they do). But nothing prepared us for the moment we would see the little girl that God chose for our family.

Before I opened the file, I reminded the boys that if they couldn't say something nice, not to say anything at all. We opened the files and Will immediately said, "She is so beautiful." Harry and Dave were stunned and silent which is consistent with their personalities. I , of course, commented on how huge she was (she was not even 6 months old in these photos). I thought she was so beautiful and my heart instantly grew but I think the biggest feeling was anticipation and curiosity. I wondered why God and the CCAA matched us with this baby. Why was she the perfect fit for our family? What was her personality like? I have always been far more interested in what is on the inside. So, I could not wait to find out more about her.

I have heard many people say they fell in love with the picture. I think back to the first time I saw Kate. I remember thinking she looked so plump. She was not smiling and I wondered if she was sad. I remember thinking that she was beautiful and that her eyes had a story to tell. I laughed that they had her out in the street...in traffic. I had never seen that before in a referral photo. Now that I know Kate, she is the happiest, jolliest, sweetest baby there is. She does not even resemble that baby in the referral photo.

I remember thinking that I loved her immediately. But looking back it was probably not love the way I define love now. I was infatuated with those referral photos and I showed them to every store clerk, teacher, bank teller and person I came in contact with. I could not stop staring at my gorgeous daughter. I felt as though I noticed new things about her everyday. But love--love comes from caring for someone. Love is not a feeling. You cannot really love a picture of someone. Love is an action, a decision. Love is getting up at 3 a.m. every morning to let your daughter know that you are there and that she is okay. Love is reading Goodnight Moon again and again even though you have read it 200 times and know every word by heart. Love is having endless tea parties when you should be doing the laundry. Love is keeping watch over a sick child. Love is wiping bottoms and drying tears. Love is looking at your daughter in the rear view mirror and her smiling back and saying, "Happy" (she does this). Love is hearing her say, "I love you." for the first time. Love is doing everything we can to help our children grow into strong, giving and happy people.

This week Kate Emerson Ru has been in our family for 10 months. I love her to the very depths of my soul. All of those questions I had a year ago about why God chose her for our family have been answered. She has made our family grow in ways I would have never dreamed possible. She has taught me lessons that I needed to learn. She has changed me more than anything in my whole life has changed me. So, this is a very special day for us. One I will always treasure.

Playing in traffic.

These were the first photos we ever saw of our daughter.

Our beautiful and happy daughter now!

Kate now--holding the referral photo. Kate has a little cold and watery eyes so she doens't look like her jolly self. Trust me, this was not an easy shot to get (you might even see a pink bribery M&M in Kate's mouth). My blog friend does this every year and I thought it was a great idea.



Below is a poem I read on another blog a while ago that I think sums up a lot of the feelings we get around referral. Thank you sweet, anonymous blogger for letting me "borrow" it. I hope you need it back very soon.

LOOKING FOR YOUR FACE

From the beginning of my life
I have been looking for your face
but today I have seen it.

Today I have seen
the charm, the beauty,
the unfathomable grace
of the face
that I was looking for.

Today I have found you
and those that laughed
and scorned me yesterday
are sorry that they were not looking
as I did.

I am bewildered by the magnificence
of your beauty
and wish to see you with a hundred eyes.

My heart has burned with passion
and has searched forever
for this wondrous beauty
that I now behold.

I am ashamed
to call this love human
and afraid of God
to call it divine.

Your fragrant breath
like the morning breeze
has come to the stillness of the garden
You have breathed new life into me
I have become your sunshine
and also your shadow.

My soul is screaming in ecstasy
Every fiber of my being
is in love with you.

Your effulgence has lit a fire in my heart
and you have made radiant for me
the earth and sky.

My arrow of love
has arrived at the target
I am in the house of mercy
and my heart
is a place of prayer.

A Poem written by J. Rumi, 13th Century mystic poet.

P.S.-- Will was chosen to have a very special part in his school Mass today. He was chosen to be the cross bearer which he has always wanted to do. I thought about that this morning because Kate and Harry and I will all be at the Mass today. We can thank God as a family for answering our prayers a year ago today:)

I prayed for this child and the Lord granted my request.

1 Samuel 1:27